R&D
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: YAHF but why should all the costumes be American when the proprietor isn't? Xander dresses as the last human alive...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own neither Red Dwarf nor BtVS and make no money on this fic. **

**R&D Ch1**

Xander shook his head as Buffy walked off mid-sentence to coo over a medieval dress. "Well, so much for our touching reconciliation scene, but at least I know where I rate."

"I'm sorry it's just-" Buffy said, but Xander didn't hear her, having already turned away and walked into another section, trying not to think of how much life was going to suck or how many fights he was going to have to get into to avoid being labeled a coward and being picked on and isolated by his peers.

"Can I help you?" Ethan asked, startling Xander who had been lost in thought.

"Eeep!" Xander jumped. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry, is there something I can help you with?"

Xander realized he'd been staring at a small display for several minutes. "Yeah, what can you tell me about this outfit?" he asked, trying to cover for his loss of composure.

"That is David Lister; a bit of a slob but a good bloke, has all sorts of adventures while trying to get home to Earth. He's supposed to be an everyman, but when the chips are down he always comes through for his friends," Ethan said with honest admiration. "It's from a scifi comedy, British so you probably haven't seen it, called Red Dwarf."

"Good show?" Xander asked curiously.

"One of the best!" Ethan enthused. "It's funny, touching, exciting. I was supposed to get the whole set, but the only complete ones were Lister and his cat and some girl requested the cat outfit. See, two of the other characters were a cleaning android and his dead bunkmate's holographic recreation, but all they sent was Kryten's mask, Bob the scutter, and Rimmer's H."

"Rimmer's H?" Xander asked, ignoring whatever a scutter was for the moment.

"Yeah, see they're on a ship in deep space and Lister's been frozen in time for 3 million years in a stasis pod while Holly, the ship's AI that's gone senile, waited for the radiation levels to die down after Rimmer caused an accident that wiped out the entire crew. To keep Lister from going insane with loneliness Holly made a holographic copy of Rimmer to keep Lister company. Holograms have to wear an H on their forehead to distinguish them from living crew. Since he's a hologram he can't touch anything; well at least until they run across a mad genius but that's later in the series. Think of it as a tech based ghost rather than a supernatural one."

"I wonder if Giles has any tapes of it?" Xander mused.

"Rupert Giles?"

"That's the puppy."

"I went to school with him; tell you what I'll give you the whole thing if you promise to use it to annoy him at least once for old time's sake." Ethan offered.

"Deal!" Xander agreed, having no better idea for a costume and little money for one besides. "I annoy him on a daily basis anyway."

Ethan laughed and quickly boxed it all up for him. "Just don't tell him I put you up to it until after Halloween, I'll be way too busy to visit until then."

"No problem," Xander said cheerfully, glad at least one thing had gone right for him today.

**0oOo0**

"Xander?" Joyce asked, taking in the sloppily dressed figure with black dreads wearing a fur lined hat with flaps over his ears and carrying a strange looking head under his arm.

"Dave actually," Xander said, trying for an English accent that was halfway between Giles and Spike. "Dave Lister, Technician 3rd Class of the mining ship Red Dwarf according to the costume label. It's a British show, but apparently quite funny despite that."

Joyce laughed, "Well come on in and I'll call the girls down."

"Girls! Xander's here!" Joyce called out.

Dawn raced down the stairs and pounced at him, dressed as an orange tiger.

"Hey Dawn-patrol!" Xander said, dropping the head in order to catch her and swinging her around much to the young girl's enjoyment. "How's my favorite Summers girl?"

"I thought I was your favorite Summers girl?" Buffy asked, pausing in her princess outfit at the head of the stairs.

"You've been dethroned," Xander replied, "felines are my secret weakness."

Dawn managed a credible purr at that announcement from where she rested on his hip.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Well wait until you get a load of your favorite redhead … Casper," Buffy's voice trailed off with a sigh as she saw that once again Willow had let her insecurities get the better of her and put the ghost costume on over the revealing outfit that Buffy had talked her into wearing.

"Since an unnamed incident involving a Wonder Woman outfit when we were twelve, Willow has always gone with the ghost outfit," Xander said as Willow came down the stairs.

"Not one word!" Willow ordered. "That topic is verboten!"

"Verboten?" Dawn asked.

"It means forbidden in German," Xander explained, "it sounds more menacing in German so we use verboten to let the other person know the topic is off limits."

"Cool!" Dawn said, making no move to get off Xander.

"Ghost is traditional," Willow defended herself.

"Well here," Xander said, handing Willow the metal H that he'd gotten from Ethan's. "This marks you as David's, I mean my, bunkmate – a technological ghost known as a hologram."

Willow stuck the H to her forehead the moment Xander finished saying bunkmate.

"Aww I wanted to be your bunkmate," Dawn said causing Buffy and Willow's eyes to shoot open and Joyce to grin as the girls were clearly misreading what a bunkmate was.

"Sorry kiddo, two bunkmates to a room; I'd have to make Captain to get permission for more and sadly I'm a lowly third technician."

"You can do it!" Dawn said encouragingly, "I believe in you!"

"Really?" Xander asked as Dawn's head bobbed up and down like a bobble-head doll. "Well, I guess I'll go for it then. But even if I start the climb now it's going to be like six years before I make captain."

"I'll wait!" Dawn replied, hugging him tightly.

"Well then I want you to get good grades and stay out of trouble," Xander said teasing her.

"Pick one," Dawn replied resolutely.

"What?"

"I can either get good grades or stay out of trouble; not both. If I get good grades I'll get in trouble during my free time, and if I get a hobby to keep me out of trouble my grades will suffer because of all the time I put into my hobby."

"Okay, good grades it is," Xander replied.

"Woohoo!" Dawn cheered. "And you'll work on making Captain in six."

"Aye aye sir!" Xander replied, making her giggle and giving her a silly salute as he set her down.

Dawn happily skipped upstairs to get her bag so her mom could take her Trick or Treating.

**0oOo0**

"But the Slayer will be weak love," Spike tried to reason with Dru, "her blood can make you strong again."

"You want to taste someone else's whip," Dru accused and pouted before retreating to her room, "fine! Then go!"

Spike sighed and signaled for his minions to stand down, he knew better than to go out when she was in this kind of mood.

**Ethan's spell powered by Janus engulfed the town … **

David looked around and wondered where he was, he was sure he hadn't drunk enough to black out or hallucinate something like this because he seemed to be distressingly sober. Before he could figure out a way to rectify that a scantily clad redheaded hologram ran up to him.

"Xander, are you okay?" Willow asked worriedly.

"I seem to be, except the name's Dave, Dave Lister," he corrected her.

"Oh god you became your costume too... Dave, listen to me – you aren't who you think you are! Your name is Xander Harris and you've been my best friend since forever! You dressed as David Lister from some British show for Halloween, look around you; this isn't normal."

Lister took a deep breath and paused, the old familiar pains from all the damage and abuse he'd put his body through were gone. He could breathe deeply without coughing and he didn't feel that twinge he'd begun to feel in his right knee when he bent it.

There was a scream and Willow burst out, "Buffy! Please Xander, even if you don't remember who you are, help me save Buffy! She dressed like a 17th century noble woman so she'll be helpless right now."

Give Dave an existential crisis and he'd probably tell you to smeg off and go get a lager, but give him a girl in distress and he was on the job!

Of course given the fact that he'd been stuck in deep space with no women for longer than the Simpson's entire 209 year run it may not have been entirely altruistic.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Willow called out, running through the imps that surrounded a screaming woman wearing enough dress for a dozen women, making them flee in fear.

"It's okay ma'am we're here to rescue you!" Dave declared, amazed that he wasn't even slightly winded from the brief sprint.

"Really?" she asked hopefully, not willing to believe that a camp follower and her client would come to her aide.

"Never let it be said that David Lister was one to leave a lady in distress," David replied, offering her his arm.

**0oOo0**

Cat looked around with a grin, ignoring the chaos and screams as his nose told him there were quite a few attractive females in the area, but as he stepped forward something on his chest bounced and he froze.

Slowly looking down at his own chest he found that he had sprouted an impressive rack. He bounced on his heels and watched as they bounced in sync with him. He knew he should be upset, but the hypnotic way they moved held him spellbound.

The roar of a shaggy humanoid brought him out of his trance as a girl in a cat outfit ran past.

His nose wrinkled from the smell of the things breath as it roared in his face. "You need some breath mints," he said, surprised at how feminine he sounded. Idly dodging the creature's clumsy swipes he tried to decide what to do.

He couldn't seduce any of the ladies he smelled because he was currently one of them, and that was confusing him to no end.

The shaggy beast's swings were coming slower and slower.

Cat nodded to himself as he came to a decision; he'd have Dave figure it out and decide what to do. He dodged a pathetic swing from the beast and raised an eyebrow. "You're still here?"

The beast collapsed to the ground and cursed whatever had pulled it from its snowy home as cat walked off sniffing the air for Dave's scent.

**0oOo0**

"Curry originated in India," Dave explained to the princess as they sat in the Summers' living room, trying to find common ground to talk about while Willow ran off to talk to Giles.

"The land of spices?" Elizabeth asked excitedly.

"The same," Dave said proudly, "and it takes a lot of spices to make a decent curry."

"Spices from there are dreadfully expensive; why the curry you speak of must be fit for a king!"

"It truly is," Dave said solemnly, "and since I turned 14 I've eaten nothing else."

Someone knocked at the door at that moment and Dave got up to answer it, unaware of the way Elizabeth was looking at him.

'A king' she thought to herself. Dave seemed to be a peasant but his knowledge was much greater than a peasant could ever dream of and he'd displayed nobility by coming to her rescue. His bravery was unquestionable as he displayed not a trace of fear when speaking to the shade of a camp follower. He had treated the poor wretch kindly and she had followed his commands; both marks of true nobility. Almost she could believe Dave was a king if not for his youth.

"Buddy you've got to help me!" Cat begged as Dave opened the door.

"Cat?" Dave asked incredulously since cat looked … female, very female in fact. Not to mention pale skinned and blonde.

"It's me buddy, but something's happened! I'm not me!" Cat cried out anxiously.

"Cat, haven't you noticed the chaos in the streets or the fact that I'm about half my normal age?"

"Of course I have," Cat replied, sounding offended. "I'm a cat, my senses are far superior to anyone else's but none of those things are important because they're not about me! Now focus, I need help!"

Elizabeth's eyes shot open as she heard the two talk. Dave was older than he appeared and the strangely dressed girl … was a cat? She'd heard the tale of Puss in Boots but had assumed it was simply a fairy tale, but then after the wonders she'd seen tonight...

Elizabeth quickly unbuttoned the top two buttons of her bodice and adjusted herself. She couldn't dally with a commoner, but a king? She could do so much more. Besides at 16 she was well past the age most were considered old maids and she had no husband or children to show for it.

"And what's with the corpse?" Cat asked.

"What?" Dave asked confusedly.

"I smell a corpse in the kitchen and its getting closer!"

The door to the kitchen opened and Angel stepped into the room.

"It's another walking corpse like that virus thing!" Cat ordered, "Kill it!" and found himself hiding behind Dave for some reason.

Dave pulled out a short metal rod and moved forward between the corpse and the girls. "That's far enough!"

"Xander?" Angel asked. "What's going on? It's chaos outside and I came to make sure Buffy was okay."

"Well for one thing I'm not Xander," Dave said. "The name's Dave Lister and for another you're dead. I don't know why nor how you decided to get up and go for a pint, but you ain't harmin' anyone here."

"I'm a vampire," Angel began, rolling his eyes.

"Then I'm definitely not offering you a drink," Dave interrupted, clicking a button a causing a whip made of light to form. "And you ain't getting one from anyone else here either, so I suggest you leave because I really don't want to use this on you, but I will if I have to."

"You're really not Xander are you?"

"No I'm not, the redhead went to get someone to fix all this and told me to stay here and protect Lady Elizabeth with my life and that's what I plan to do."

Angel nodded. "Alright, I'll go but I'll hold you to that. Make sure she's protected," he said before leaving.

"I thought a holowhip could only hurt holograms," Cat said confused.

"Yeah which is why I'd hate to have to use it on him; then he'd have learned I was bluffing," Dave said, putting the holowhip away.

Cat laughed and bumped fists with Dave. "Smooth move buddy, now can we get back to my emergency?"

"Take a bath and go to bed," Dave suggested. "This will probably be over by morning and if not at least it won't have disrupted your sleep schedule."

Cat perked up. "Good idea!" he replied before disappearing up the stairs.

"It is a marvelous idea milord," Elizabeth said, capturing his arm and placing it between her breasts. "It is getting late, might we not follow your sage advice?"

**0oOo0**

Willow headed back to Buffy's place as Giles set off for Ethan's. A shaggy Sasquatch looking creature came out of nowhere and roared in Willow's face. After jumping nearly a foot Willow yelled at the creature, "Don't do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

A swipe of its paw did nothing but annoy Willow further as it passed through her, but before she could say anything the creature burst into tears and ran off.

"Touchy!" Willow muttered and continued down the block and into the Summers' residence.

"Buffy, Xander?" Willow called out as she looked around the living room. Finding no one downstairs she ventured upstairs and found Harmony in Buffy's room.

"This being a girl thing ain't so bad," Cat told her cheerfully before returning to an activity that made Willow blush bright red and flee the room.

"I had no idea Harmony was so flexible!" Willow muttered.

The bathroom and Joyce's room proved to be empty, but she found the missing pair in Dawn's room and discovered why neither had answered her call; Xander couldn't hear with his ears covered, and well-bred ladies didn't talk with their mouth's full.

**0oOo0**

"Break the statue!" Ethan gasped out, surprised at how much Ripper was left beneath the tweed.

Giles growled, grabbed the bust and flung it at Ethan who dodged to the side; shattering it against the wall and emitting a bright flash of light as the spell broke.

By the time Giles had regained his sight Ethan had vanished and the back door was open.

Giles cursed loudly and stomped off.

A minute later Ethan peeked out from beneath the front counter and blessed Ripper's impatience. He wasn't in shape to be going anywhere until he got his ribs taped up.

**0oOo0**

The three physical residents of the Summers' house were caught by the wave at the same instant, but at that precise moment they weren't coherent enough to notice.

**0oOo0**

Willow sat up and gasped for breath as she threw the sheet off her, the metallic H still firmly affixed to her forehead. "Next year I'm dressing as Super Girl."

Picking herself up Willow worried about the scene she'd walked in on between Xander and Buffy or rather David and Elizabeth before forcing it out of her mind by helping round up the children who were scattered about and crying.

It was another hour until she made it to the library and found Buffy talking to a pouting Angel while Xander comforted a pale immaterial Willow.

"What'd I miss?" Willow asked.

"Willow?" came the chorus.

"Then who am I?" the holographic Willow asked in shock.

"Hold on," Xander said as he recalled something Dave had once done and reached inside Holo-Willow and grasped something, making her figure flicker for a moment before he released it and stepped back.

"That felt awful!" Holo-Willow said shimmering.

"You are a holographic version of Willow," Xander explained, "I don't know how but instead of the ghost you were, you are now the proverbial ghost in the machine from Red Dwarf. I just grabbed your light bee for a moment."

"I'm not real?" Holo-Willow wailed.

"You're real, you're real, you're very real," Xander quickly assured her, "you're just not organic."

"What?" was the unanimous reply from everyone.

"You're everything that Willow is up to the point the spell broke," Xander reasoned, "it's like someone took a tree and cut it down the center, you're both still Willow it's just one of you is organic and the other is made of light."

"I'm still me?" Holo-Willow asked desperately.

"Yes, you're still you," Xander said. "But you'll grow and change differently than organic Willow, so a month from now you'll both be different Willow's than you are right now anyway, and yet you'll both still be Willow, okay?"

"Okay," Holo-Willow said slowly beginning to smile.

"Dibs on being the evil twin," Willow said, startling a laugh from her hologram.

"Well," Giles said cleaning his glasses. "I suppose that solves our most pressing problem. Are there any other effects from the spell that anyone has noticed?"

"I remember everything that Dave knew," Xander volunteered.

"I got a load of memories from Elizabeth too," Buffy offered, "but unless you need to stock a castle for siege or speak 300 year old French it's not really useful."

"Dave was in his mid-thirties and the lowest rank officer aboard the Red Dwarf," Xander added, "he picked up some skills later, but most of them involve equipment that won't exist for centuries if ever."

"Well at least you've both gained a more mature outlook," Giles said with forced cheer.

"Not really," Buffy and Xander chorused.

Xander waved for Buffy to go first.

"She was about my age when 16 was considered an old maid," Buffy explained, "all she was really concerned with was running a household, albeit one composed of over a hundred people, and social status. Outside of those two things she was really limited."

"I always hated those types," Angel said with a shudder.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"I come from landed gentry, but it was Irish landed gentry and the English, especially those with claims on any sort of title, always thought themselves better than us and would resort to any means fair or foul to try and steal our land from us."

"Oh," Buffy said wide eyed.

"The women were the worst; prissy nobles that were used to getting their own way and what passed for law at the time always sided with them, making it impossible to get a fair shake."

"I really should have researched my costume more," Buffy groaned.

"That's why I'm not more upset about you and Xander," Angel said, "I expect that kind of behavior from the girl you were possessed by."

"You and Xander?" Giles said questioningly. "I expect Elizabeth had no knowledge of birth control, might I hope that Dave had some form of birth control, being from a more responsible time?"

Xander winced. "Dave was so irresponsible he once knocked himself up; don't ask. But Elizabeth was responsible enough to make sure nothing we did could get anyone pregnant."

"Our naughty parts never came into contact with one another," Buffy translated.

"That's a load off my mind," Giles said with a sigh. "I recall several prophecies concerning children of slayers that I'd rather not deal with."

"Did any concern vampires?" Buffy asked curiously.

"They have no breath," Xander said, shaking his head.

"A trifle poetic but essentially true; the dead can not bring forth new life." Giles said.

"Oh," Buffy said sadly.

"Wow, it's a sudden change of subject!" Xander said brightly. "Willow and Willow, I'll walk you home."

"I better go along to keep them safe," Buffy said and went to give Angel a kiss.

Angel flinched back. "Uh, mouthwash..." he suggested before kissing her cheek.

Buffy's eyes widened. "Uh, yeah..." she replied blushing bright red.

The four left the library in silence as they walked toward Willow's.

Xander being Xander had to say something to break the silence, "Despite the fact that I seem to be over my crush on you now, I can at least take some pride in the fact that you can no longer think of me as one of the girls."

"Xander!" the Willow's chorused.

"No, I still think of you that way," Buffy said, "and what do you mean you're over your crush on me?"

"You still think of me as one of the girls?" Xander blurted out in shock, ignoring her question for the moment.

Buffy cleared her throat, "Um, yeah..." she admitted, "you see there's a reason noble women had ladies in waiting. It was their job to keep the noble ladies from being tempted and make the waiting easier and well... Elizabeth had a few guys try and return the favor for her, if you get my drift, but compared to the ladies in waiting they sucked at it."

"So I rate as a lady in waiting in your mind?" Xander asked, sounding thoroughly amused.

"Yep, one with boy parts."

"I can live with that," Xander replied.

"Okay, now tell me how you got over me so quick and it better not be because of sex. Because I don't think you're that shallow and I'd be disappointed if you were," Buffy said honestly.

"Your teeth scrape," Xander said, but was unable to keep a straight face at her expression and burst out laughing. "Sorry, couldn't resist. It's the whole Angel thing, see Dave dated a few crazy girls before coming up with rules about dating; sex with a crazy girl is fine, but not a serious relationship."

"What?" the three girls exclaimed.

"See, a normal girl wants to be happy and will arrange her life so she is or at least has a good shot at it," Xander explained.

"I wanna be happy," Buffy argued.

"But crazy girls," he continued as if she hadn't spoken, "feel their lives need drama, so they do things like date guys whose last girlfriend disappeared under mysterious circumstances and other crazy things."

"How is dating Angel crazy?" Buffy demanded.

"Because it can only end in misery and tears and you know that and decided to do it anyway," Xander replied matter of factly.

"But it's like Romeo and Juliet!" Willow exclaimed while Holo-Willow stayed silent.

"Yeah," Xander said rolling his eyes, "and that ended well for the happy couple, didn't it?"

The girls fell silent.

"See, Buffy clearly wants children at some point, but that isn't possible with Angel; strike one. Angel is immortal while Buffy ages, and he is clearly attracted to underage Buffy not physically mature Buffy; strike two. Angel is a vampire and Buffy is the vampire slayer; strike three. Any one of these reasons says the relationship will probably end in tears, but all three?"

"I can adopt or do the test tube thing, no strike!" Buffy said indignantly. "Slayers don't live long enough to worry about aging, no strike two. Angel has his soul, he's not just some vamp, no strike three."

Xander shook his head. "A curse holds his soul in place and we don't know how long he's cursed for or how easy it is for one of our enemies to hire a mojo flinger to break it. As for the whole I am doomed thing, I'm really beginning to doubt it."

"Slayers don't live that long!" Buffy insisted.

"Slayers working on their own with just a single Watcher as backup don't live that long, as was demonstrated when you decided to rush off to your doom against the Master like an idiot."

"The prophecy said I was going to die."

"And Angel's love broke the prophecy," Willow said with a smile.

"How do you figure that?" Xander asked curiously.

"Prophecy said I was going to die and he came for me anyway," Buffy said with a proud smile, "thus he broke the prophecy."

"And here I thought it was me and CPR," Xander replied, shaking his head bemused.

"Well that helped," Buffy admitted.

"You've never talked to him about it have you?"

"No, it's all pretty obvious."

"Really, tell me why I was there then."

"To give me CPR!"

"And how did Angel know you'd need CPR?"

"I …" Buffy frowned and fell silent.

"I showed up at his place and threatened to dust him unless he led me to the Master's lair. You see, much like you and Giles, he thought because some loony wrote something hundreds of years ago that the future was written in stone. Thankfully I knew better and he was pretty easy to convince, since he was just waiting for the Master to rise and kill him anyway."

"You had to threaten him?" Buffy asked quietly.

"Do you really think he took a threat from me seriously considering he was just waiting for the Master to come kill him?" Xander asked rhetorically. "No that just got his attention, convincing him it was better to die for you was easy."

"So your love for Buffy broke the prophecy?" Willow asked.

"Let's just say both of us love Buffy, but it wasn't love of Buffy that broke the prophecy."

"You love me?"

Xander sighed. "Buffy, I love my friends, even Giles, so don't make a big deal out of it."

"So what broke the prophecy?" Holo-Willow asked.

"My love of comic books," Xander said proudly, making jaws drop.

"You're insane!" Buffy said. "That's it! Your insanity broke the prophecy."

Xander laughed. "Do you know how many comics have dealt with the whole prophecy vs. free will issue? Tons! If we truly have free will then nothing is written in stone."

"You learned that by reading comics?" Buffy asked in shock.

"Yep."

"I owe you big for that, don't I?"

"Not really, between friends, saying thank you is enough. What you owe me big for is giving me blue balls with that lap dance! The giving of blue balls is a major sin."

Buffy winced. "Can we call it even after tonight's events?"

"Yeah," Xander mused thoughtfully, "tonight makes up for, it since you made sure it didn't happen again."

"So the spell did break before you guys finished!" Holo-Willow exclaimed. "I thought that moment of dizziness was the spell breaking, but you two didn't even pause."

"What?" Willow exclaimed.

"I didn't even realize I was me until after I'd come down and I damn sure wasn't going to stop until Buffy was done after what she did for me!" Xander replied. "I'm not willing to leave a friend hanging like that, I ain't no sinner."

Buffy nodded. "I was pretty much in the same situation; I was in the middle of a string of big ones and by the time I realized what was going on Xander was about to pop again, so of course we finished up; really no point in stopping after all that had happened."

"B-b-but!" Willow stuttered.

"And I was aware enough to notice where a certain someone's right hand was," Buffy teased.

Both Willows turned bright red.

"Anyway, as glad as I am that we've cleared the air about that, back to what I was saying," Xander announced to save his Willows the embarrassment that Buffy and Xander seemed to pick up an immunity to along with their costume's memories. "The Slayer seems to be doing quite well with me and Willow as backup so it's not being the slayer that's a death sentence it's fighting alone."

"Maybe you're right," Buffy admitted, "all the memories I have of slayers dying always had them dying alone."

"Exactly, so you Buffy are too crazy for me to date because you have a self-destructive need for drama that led to you dating a vamp. I don't love you any less nor has my urge to plow you lessened, I just no longer have the desire to be your significant other."

"Thanks," Buffy said, shaking her head and trying not to laugh.

"Why are you still carrying that?" Buffy asked, gesturing toward Kryten's head.

"Dave's memories say he's a pretty good guy, so it'd be a bit rude to leave one of his spare heads lying around."

"Well, this is our stop," Willow said, pausing to give Xander a hug, thankful she still had her body.

"Yours you mean," Holo-Willow said, "seeing two of us when our parents know we aren't twins would be pretty hard to explain, I think I'll just hang out with Xander."

"True and if my parents give you any trouble you can just walk through something so they think they're hallucinating," Xander offered, "besides when Rimmer lived with a duplicate hologram of himself they drove each other frothing mad in just a couple of days. I think it had something to do with feedback loops."

"I didn't even think about that," the two Willow's chorused.

"Yes, so good Willow comes with me," Xander said, "while her evil twin keeps her parents in the dark."

They all shared a chuckle before Willow disappeared into her place while they headed to Xander's.

"You really think I'd drive myself nuts?" Willow asked.

"Will, Rimmer had more issues and self-hatred than a dozen postal workers in therapy for anger management, but I think seeing a version of you that still had a body would get to you after a while if you were forced to live with her, so you'll have to stay my bunkmate until we can get you a body."

"Do you really think it's possible?" she asked quietly.

"Not today or possibly even this decade, but yes I think it's possible just have patience. But in the meantime you'll live with me."

"Y-you mean it?"

"Yep, come on roomie let's go home and get ready for bed."

Buffy watched wide eyed as they snuck into Xander's room before heading home herself.

"How do I change clothes, shower or sleep?" Holo-Willow asked suddenly.

Xander began taking off his Dave costume, setting Kryten's head on top of his dresser. "I don't know," he admitted, "Rimmer always just asked for Holly to do something, so you may just want to do that."

Holo-Willow nodded, trying not to be distracted by Xander stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt and heading into the bathroom.

Despite the way Xander's parents treated him they'd given him the master bedroom because drinking and stairs were a poor mix for them, so he had a connecting bath with private shower.

"Holly undress me for a shower," Holo-Willow said hopefully, smiling when her clothes vanished.

Kryten's head on the dresser snapped its eyes shut.

"Uh, please give me a bikini wax," she requested, her eyes shooting open a moment later as she gasped in pain. "Okay, note to self: be careful what you wish for."

Examining herself in the mirror she frowned. "Holly give me one more cup size please."

Willow grinned evilly at the results. "We can't touch each other, but we can touch ourselves while the other watches."

As Willow vanished into the bathroom a voice came from the watch, Xander had been wearing that had the time replaced with a picture of a balding middle aged man, "You can open your eyes now Kryten, she's gone."

"Thank you Holly, but I think I'm just going to keep them closed for now. I hate seeing a dirty room when I don't have a body to clean with," Kryten's head replied.

"Well Bob's under the bed recharging, but he says he'll have this place picked up by tomorrow."

"Excellent, well for now I think I'll put myself in sleep mode. See you in the morning."

"Night Kryten," Holly replied before falling silent once more leaving the sounds of teenage moans and a running shower to fill the room.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	2. Chapter 2

**R&D Chapter 2**

"Buffy, is there something you want to tell me?" Joyce asked as she eyed her daughter curled up in bed with a naked Harmony.

"Huh?" Buffy asked, slowly waking up.

"You have a naked girl in your bed," Joyce pointed out.

Half-awake Buffy shook Harmony. "Time to get up love, I could use some tea and a warm bath."

"That does sound nice," Harmony purred, "wake me when they're ready."

Buffy blinked and came awake. "Harmony, what are you doing in my bed?"

"Trying to sleep!" Harmony replied in an annoyed sounding voice.

"In my bed?"

"I was fine under it, but it got cramped when you laid down, and you're a lot warmer than the floor, even if you are really chatty when I'm trying to sleep."

"And the naked?" Buffy asked.

"I didn't want to wrinkle my suit."

"Go back to sleep, I'll wake you when the tea is ready," Buffy promised, sliding out of bed and revealing she was wearing a silk shirt.

"Oh," Joyce said, "she got caught up in the gas leak that caused all the hallucinations."

"Yeah, we hid in here because we saw monsters everywhere we looked," Buffy said as they went downstairs. "I spent most of the night thinking I was a medieval princess."

"Well thank god they got that gas leak under control, and I'm so glad the area where I took Dawn wasn't affected."

"Yeah, we were lucky alright. Still, hallucination or not I really do have a craving for tea..."

"I'll put on a pot," Joyce offered as she set a kettle on the stove. "Despite how she got there, Harmony seemed pretty relaxed ending up naked in another girl's bed."

"Probably a side effect of the gas," Buffy offered, "either that or she's incredibly laid back."

"You weren't looking that upset either," Joyce said as she picked up and sipped her coffee.

"Probably the gas then," Buffy said quickly.

"Dear, if you find you like girls instead of guys I'll still love you."

"Mom!" Buffy rolled her eyes. "I still prefer manual transmissions to automatics, even if the idea of driving an automatic isn't distasteful."

"You mean we could have had sex?" Harmony spoke up, startling the two who hadn't heard her cat footed approach.

Buffy swung at Harmony out of reflex, but Harmony easily dodged.

"You just scared the life out of me!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Does that mean no sex?"

"You'll have to settle for tea," Buffy replied.

**0oOo0**

Xander awoke to the sight of two Willows. One was draped naked across his chest while the other was sliding her hand through the first one.

"Morning Willow," Xander said as he slowly slid out from under the naked Willow he couldn't feel.

"How?" Willow asked as her holographic twin settled onto the bed, the covers falling through her and revealing a much curvier form than she remembered having.

"Shhh!" Xander said and waved for her to follow him.

Willow followed the half-naked Xander downstairs as he started going through the cabinets and pulling out seldom used cooking gear.

A knock on the door interrupted his preparations and he answered the door, unmindful of the fact that he was only wearing his boxers, his left sock and a fur lined hat.

"Xander Harris?" A man carrying a grocery bag and a six pack asked.

"That's me," Xander admitted.

"Here's the groceries you ordered, have a nice day."

"Groceries?" Xander looked in the bag he'd been handed with the beer and began to smile.

Willow raised an eyebrow as she saw Xander set a six pack of dark English beer on the table before he pulled out various ingredients and began cooking.

"I thought good Willow couldn't touch anything?"

"It's like how she doesn't fall through the floor," Xander explained, popping the top off of one of the bottles and taking a sip before using the beer as a cooking ingredient. "She simply had it set up so she could feel me and the bed as if she were solid even though we can't feel her."

Willow's cheeks went red as she considered the possibilities.

There was another knock at the door.

"Can you get that?" Xander asked. "I don't want to burn this."

"Sure," Willow replied, coming back a moment later with Buffy and Harmony.

"Hey buddy!" Harmony called out cheerfully.

"Hey … Harmony?" Xander asked as he examined her closely. "You're still a cat."

"Yep," Harmony replied cheerfully. "I slept over at Buffy's, but she doesn't want to have sex."

Holo-Willow came down the stairs dressed in a pair of coveralls and a pink fluffy sweater, still only half awake. "Thanks for last night, I needed that," she said, kissing him on the cheek, a kiss that only she could feel but still made him smile.

"Well, no sex until after lunch," Xander said absently concentrating on his cooking. "Because I am dying for a curry."

"Is everyone having sex with Xander except for me?" Willow burst out.

Xander's dad, who'd been awakened by the noise, paused in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Looks like it," Harmony chimed cheerfully. "If you want a turn you'll have to wait until after me, because I call dibs on after lunch!"

"Okay," Willow said quietly, taking her seat much to Buffy's shock.

Tony Harris smiled proudly and tiptoed back to bed. He'd been afraid that his son was gay, since he didn't play any sports and always hung around with a bunch of girls, but apparently the reasons for both was that he was sleeping with all the girls and didn't have the energy for sports. He'd raised a good kid.

**0oOo0**

"So Harmony is experiencing rather severe after effects from the spell," Giles said thoughtfully, "then why did you wait until after dinner to contact me?"

"We were a bit busy," Xander admitted.

"What could possibly~?" Giles began and then trailed off at the twin blushes the Willows were sporting and the cat that ate the canary look that Harmony had. "I see."

"It's not like I'd let you remove this side effect anyway," Harmony said. "Being a cat has it all over being a human."

"A cat?" Giles asked.

"Felis Sapiens," Xander explained, "we evolved from some monkey; she evolved from a cat."

"I'm faster than greased lightning and have a superior sense of style and smell," Harmony said with a grin. "I'm flexible in ways you can't dream of and have a magnificent ass, why would I want to change any of it?"

"Because cats aren't deep thinkers?" Buffy suggested.

"No, she's pretty much the same as she always was," Xander said, "except a lot friendlier and a thousand times less bitchy."

"It's rather a moot point since I know of no way to reverse the effects anyway," Giles replied.

"Dead guy coming through the stacks!" Harmony announced just before Angel made his appearance.

"Angel!" Buffy said, brightening up and going to give him a tentative kiss; hoping he wasn't still having problems about what had happened between her and Xander the night before.

Angel responded without any hesitation, causing Buffy to let out a relieved sigh.

Xander rolled his eyes.

"What?" Harmony asked, not getting the sub text.

"Buffy was worried about how Angel would react after he flinched away from kissing her earlier after what happened between us. Baseless worry, he may be dead but he's not a douche," Xander replied. "He's not about to blame her for something she had no control over. Hell he's not going to blame me either, but he is going to have to slug me so we're good again."

"What?" Buffy exclaimed. "No punching, I don't want you two fighting!" she ordered.

"It's not fighting," Xander said, shaking his head. "We're guys."

"That doesn't make any sense!" the Willows complained in stereo.

"It's how we apologize," Xander explained. "I give him a free hit to show I'm sincere in apologizing and how hard he hits me is based on several other factors. Everything from how close our relationship is to how much pain I caused by my actions and how sincere he thinks I am in feeling bad about things."

"But it wasn't your fault!" Buffy complained. "We were possessed."

Xander rolled his eyes. "It's about emotions not facts. A punch isn't going to kill me and it'll clear the air so we can get back to normal."

"He's a vampire! One punch could kill you!" Willow pointed out.

"Then I had better hope he believes I'm sincere," Xander said.

"No punching!" Buffy ordered Angel.

"Well not with you around," Xander said wrinkling his nose, "because you'd make him feel bad about it and then he'd owe me a smack in the back of the head as well."

The girls just stared as Angel and Giles nodded along with what Xander had said. Harmony, having been possessed by Cat, knew both sides of things but didn't really care enough to comment.

"Men!" Buffy snorted.

"Well, if that's all, might I suggest a quick patrol and then taking the rest of the night off, since last night was a bit stressful?" Giles suggested, wanting a little peace and quiet himself.

"Bronze?" Xander asked.

"I can hit a couple of cemeteries and be there by 9," Buffy planned.

"I can't make it tonight," Willow pouted. "I have myself scheduled to check the back doors I put in the city computers and see if Burn or Nikon had any suggestions for improving them."

"Our work is important, but so is time off from it," Giles began when Xander interrupted him.

"Thanks for looking out for us Giles, but what Willow is doing tonight is more along the lines of you attending that lecture on foreign influences and their effects on Ancient Egypt, the one where you were a guest lecturer."

"Really?" Giles nodded to Willow. "Have fun then and try not to forget to sleep for 48 hours straight."

"But that's the best part!" Willow swore before giving Xander a kiss on the cheek and heading home, Buffy providing the escort and promising to catch up with Angel later.

"Okay, Buffy's gone. You can slug me in the stomach now," Xander said.

"What?" Holo-Willow exclaimed.

"Are you sorry for what happened?" Angel asked.

"Not really," Xander replied. "I mean it seems to have settled things between us so I no longer have a crush on her, and without hard feelings on either of our parts," he explained. "So I'm pretty happy with the outcome."

"So you won't be trying to come between us anymore?" Angel asked hopefully.

"Not for myself no," Xander said, "but I will still encourage her to look for blokes with a pulse, because I can't see this ending happily for either of you."

"At least you're honest," Angel said. "Head or gut?"

"Gut, but try not to bruise any vital organs."

Angel nodded and nailed Xander in the gut, folding him over.

"You lifted him half a foot with that blow!" Holo-Willow shouted irately.

"Sounds about right," Xander wheezed out. "We good now?"

Angel held out a hand and helped Xander to his feet. "Yeah, we're good."

"Good," Xander said rubbing his stomach. "I'm going to go loot Ethan's shop, who's with me?"

"Loot Ethan's shop?" Harmony asked.

"Yeah, Ethan Rayne is the guy who sold us our costumes. I want to see if he left anything of value behind when he fled."

"Want me to come along?" Angel offered.

"Nah, it's still an hour or so before most vamps even think about going out," Xander replied.

"Let me know if you find anything of interest," Giles said. "I'd rather not find out that he left magical paraphernalia behind to be found by a budding young mage; one chaos worshiper is enough around here."

"What do drugs have to do with anything?" Harmony asked confusedly.

"Magic paraphernalia, not drug paraphernalia," Holo-Willow explained. "Paraphernalia means equipment in this case."

"Oh well, why didn't he just say so in the first place?" Harmony asked as the three left the library.

Angel shook his head. "I don't envy you having to deal with them."

"And their numbers keep increasing," Giles said with a groan.

**0oOo0**

The group froze as they stared at the alley, which had been awash in red fluid sometime the night before from the look of things.

Xander dipped a finger in one of the drying pools and tasted it. "Punch?"

Slowly moving forward they avoided the deeper puddles as they approached the back door and a hole in the wall surrounded by huge chunks of glass.

"That's a lot of glass," Willow said.

"And a huge hole in the wall," Xander pointed out. "Saves me the trouble of picking the lock."

The three picked their way through the glass, ignoring the arm and foot made of glass lying on the ground. "Good thing this hole lead into the back room or we'd be out here all night," Harmony said as they looked through the stuff Ethan had left behind.

"What're you talking about?" Xander asked. "I can pick locks."

"Dave thought he could pick locks," Harmony said, "but that just meant he fiddled with bits of wire until he lost patience and pulled out the crowbar."

"Oh," Xander said. "Well I know how to pick locks because my Uncle Rory taught me. He once wanted to become an escape artist, but then he found out you had to find your own female assistant and one wasn't assigned to you, so he gave up."

"He thought each escape artist was assigned a babe in nylons?" Harmony asked.

"Yeah," Willow agreed, passing a hand through a rack of clothes. "Ooh tingly."

Harmony joined Willow and examined the empty hanger Willow was commenting on. "I feel something but I can't see anything," she said.

"Invisibility cloak?" Willow asked excitedly.

Harmony quickly put on the garment she could feel but not see and examined herself. "Nope, just an invisible cloak."

"It felt tingly when your hand passed through it?" Xander asked.

Willow passed her hand through Harmony. "Yeah, it's like putting a hand on a van de graf generator, it makes my hair stand up."

"See if you can find anything else that feels that way," Xander said as they finished looking through the back room.

"Smells kinda staticy," Harmony muttered.

The insides of the shop looked like it did before Halloween, though less crowded as Ethan had managed to rent out a fair number of outfits.

Willow and Harmony walked over to the sixties display filled with tie dye shirts and long wigs and an un-rented Austin Powers outfit.

"I wonder what happened here?" Harmony said as they looked at a lump of stone with charred floor around it and a half burned table covered in fire extinguisher powder.

"I think he had a lava lamp sitting here and I'm guessing it became real lava," Willow said.

The sound of a cash register opening chimed from the front of the store.

"Pizza's on me," Xander said, "looks like he had a good night before Giles stomped him."

"I feel a tingle," Willow said, passing her hand through a tray of fake glasses. "Several in fact."

Xander came over and examined their find. Picking up a pair of cheap looking specs he put them on and began to grin. "X-ray specs."

"So all you see is our bones?" Willow asked.

"Actually I think these were created with seeing through clothes in mind, but since you're made of light I can't see through yours at all." Xander slipped the glasses inside his jacket.

"Suddenly you both look fantastic," Harmony exclaimed as she looked at them through a pair glasses with completely circular brown lenses.

"Beer goggles," Willow guessed.

Xander put on a pair of plain black glasses with thick frames.

"And now I don't want to have sex with you," Harmony said frowning and removing the beer goggles.

Xander took off the glasses.

"And now I'm back to wanting sex," she said cheerfully.

"Glasses that make people not want to have sex with you?" Willow asked.

Xander put on another pair of thick black rimmed glasses.

"And once more the libido bids you farewell," Harmony announced.

"BC Glasses," Xander announced. "My dad said they issued you glasses in boot camp that were nearly indestructible and insured no one would want to sleep with you."

"X-ray Specs, Beer Goggles, and two pairs of Boot Camp Glasses..." Willow confirmed. "Nothing else tingles," she said passing her hand through the tray once more.

The three split up to look around.

"Ouch!" Harmony exclaimed, sucking on a finger. "Damn hat cut my finger." She threw the bowler hat like a Frisbee and it cut the head off a mannequin before arcing back toward her.

"Duck!" Xander shouted.

"Where?" Harmony asked, looking around hungrily as her left hand easily plucked the hat out of the air.

"Oh yeah, cat reflexes." Xander sighed in relief.

"That was all sorts of cool," Willow said as Harmony put on the hat. "I think that's from a Bond villain."

"Still a pretty cool hat," Harmony said. "As long as you watch the brim."

Xander shook his head and went back to searching the front of the shop and fiddling with something he found interesting.

"Why do I smell food?" Harmony asked a minute later, perking up and sniffing the air.

"Found a sandwich maker and a waffle iron," Xander mumbled around a sandwich wrapped in a waffle as he put them on the front counter with several pairs of glasses.

Harmony followed her nose to the front and opened and closed the sandwich maker, discovering another grilled sandwich. "Free food, cool."

"These golf clubs feel strange," Willow announced while Xander examined a tray of jewelry.

"They've turned into what the clubs are named," Harmony said while eating her sandwich. "See, five iron is made of iron and three wood is made of wood."

"Yes! No..." Xander pouted after a moment's excitement.

"What?" Willow asked as Xander kept trying and failing to pick up something.

"A green lantern ring; with it you can make all these constructs made out of green light but now it seems it's only made of green light itself."

Willow waved her hand through the tray of rings, sending the green ring flying.

Harmony tried to catch it but it passed through her hand and rolled on the floor.

Xander knelt down and poked it but his finger went right through it as before.

Willow cautiously reached out and poked the ring, flipping it over much to her shock. "I can feel it!"

"You're both made of light," Harmony pointed out.

"Put it on!" Xander said eagerly.

Willow picked it up and put it on, everyone waited but nothing else seemed to happen.

"Is it supposed to do anything?" Willow asked.

"You visualize what you want to make and the ring constructs it, it's all about willpower."

"Okay," Willow said and her face scrunched in concentration before she created a glowing green hand that passed through the tray without doing anything.

"They're made out of light," Harmony said, "so I guess they only affect things made out of light."

Willow changed the hand into a stool and carefully sat down for a moment before standing back up and dismissing it. "It's good for furniture for me and glowing green illusions," she said.

"Better than nothing I suppose," Xander said with a sigh.

Harmony picked out several pieces of jewelry that she could tell were real and several more that just looked good.

Willow waved her hand through the rings again. "Those two tingle," she said pointing to a pair of silver rings in a set of five.

Xander put on a silver ring with a red heart symbol while Harmony put on the other one with the light blue cloud. "Heart!" he intoned, clenching his hand with the ring and smiled at Willow.

"What did that do?" Willow asked.

"Lets me feel emotions," Xander replied, "love you too."

Willow blushed.

"What's mine do?" Harmony asked.

"It generates wind, so don't use it indoors," Xander warned. "Too bad the other three are duds or we could have summoned Captain Planet."

"I wonder who would have shown up if they were used in real life?" Harmony said recognizing the cartoon.

"A pissed off or amused Gaia," Willow said, "either of which is scary."

Harmony's eyes lit up as she spotted a bag of gold doubloons, only to frown as they were lighter than they should be. Squeezing one until it broke in half she laughed. "The foil is solid gold but the inside is still chocolate, so about 20 in solid gold on each coin."

"Found something," Willow announced from the fantasy section.

"What'd you find?" Xander asked.

"The wand from that tooth fairy outfit and the pouch on that wood elf."

Xander spun the glittering silver wand with the star on its tip, watching silver sparkles fill the air before he put it in his jacket pocket. "Probably good for breaking into places and turning teeth placed under pillows into silver coins."

"Sounds like a good guess," Willow agreed as Xander opened the pouch and immediately walked to the front of the store.

"Xander?" Willow asked.

"Pouch of holding, I need more room to empty it out," he explained.

"Oh," Willow said following along.

Xander pulled out a life sized teddy bear much bigger than himself, attracting Harmony's attention, a cloak big enough to double as a tent was next, a five foot ball of lint, which Xander quickly pushed behind the counter, and a magazine titled play elf.

Harmony unfolded the centerfold which showed a naked female elf in black and white that posed and blew a kiss at them.

"Well you can't claim to only read that for the articles," Willow said.

"Why?" Xander asked, wiping some drool off his chin.

"It's in Elvish."

"I really want to bang an elf now," Harmony said as the centerfold put a leg behind her head and winked at them.

"You and me both," Xander said quickly, closing the magazine.

Next he pulled out a ruby the size of a pumpkin.

"We're rich!" he exclaimed.

"Too big to sell and we can't say where we got it," Harmony pointed out, "rumors of it existing is enough to attract thieves and the government would find some way to claim it, if someone didn't kidnap your family to get it first."

"And we're poor again," Xander said with a sigh.

"If it helps the sight of it makes me horny," Harmony offered.

"That actually does help, thanks," Xander said with a smile.

Willow rolled her eyes.

"And the sight of you makes Willow horny."

Willow blushed bright red. "How did you?"

"Cat nose smells all."

"Cat mouth tells all," Willow groaned.

"You can smell light?" Xander asked.

"Nah, her physical self gets wet just looking at you, so I figured she'd be the same."

"We really need to get you a body," Xander said, running his fingers through Willow's insubstantial hair wistfully.

"Okay, enough being mushy. What's left in the bag?" Willow said firmly, eyes moist.

Xander reached in and pulled out a handful of socks which exploded into a huge pile of them as they left the bag. "A lot of mismatched socks."

"I always wondered where lost socks went," Harmony mused thoughtfully as she looked at the ankle deep pile.

Xander reached in and pulled out a handful of pens that poured out onto the counter. "Couple hundred pens."

"Looks like it's a repository for lost things," Willow said.

"Looks like," Xander agreed, "and unfortunately not for lost money." He swept the pens off the counter.

Reaching in he frowned and turned so that he was facing the counter when he opened his hand, releasing a flood of buttons. It was nearly a minute later when the flood ceased.

"Wow," Willow said.

"Ditto," Harmony agreed.

"One last item," Xander announced as he pulled out an eight foot tall pear tree with a bird cooing on one of its branches.

"That's a partridge isn't it?" Willow said.

"Yep," Harmony agreed.

"Gotta love Janus' sense of humor," Xander said as he chuckled and shoved everything back inside the bag, a much easier job as it seemed to suck in everything as easily as he pulled them out.

Xander dropped the items he'd collected inside the pouch and pocketed it.

"Back to the search," Harmony said as they split up.

"I've got a machete from a Jason Vorhees outfit that seems pretty sharp, the only side effect is you hear kill kill kill while holding it," Xander said.

"I have … a cursing rubix cube," Harmony said, holding it up so everyone could hear it.

"I think that was in a cartoon I saw once," Willow said.

Xander nodded and dropped it in the bag. "We can sell it as a magical curio if nothing else."

"I found a cape," Willow said.

"Superman's cape?" the two teens exclaimed.

"It tingles," Willow said.

Xander put it on and jumped in place for a minute.

"What are you doing?" Harmony asked.

"Trying to fly," Xander offered embarrassed.

"Superman's cape didn't have anything to do with his flying," Harmony said, "you're a comic geek you should know this."

"Oh yeah, it was just indestructible made from the rocket he came in," Willow said.

"Well, I had to try," Xander said before shoving it in the pouch too.

"And back to the hunt," Willow said as they separated again.

"I found some trench coats, they're from a Marx Brothers set," Harmony said, reaching into the one she had on and pulling out a rubber chicken, a card table and a pitcher of martinis before shoving them all back in.

"Cool," Xander said, accepting and putting on the second coat; reaching in he pulled out a live pig and quickly shoved it back in. "I found a universal remote," he said and shoved the remote and machete into his coat.

"What's the remote do?" Harmony asked.

"Controls the TV, VCR, and cable box, you just have to program it."

Harmony shook her head. "I walked right into that one."

They walked over to where Willow was.

"I don't know what this is but it's part of the Austin Powers outfit," Willow said, "a vacuum?"

"It's a …" Harmony whispered in Xander's ear.

Xander picked it up and shoved it in the bag of holding. "Moving along!" he declared and went back to searching.

"Swedish made," Harmony said and pointed at her crotch, "for men."

"Oh!" Willow said blushing. "And I'm moving along."

Harmony shook her head and went searching.

"Okay, I got some crystal balls... about a dozen," Xander called out a couple of minutes later. "One is showing a communal women's bathing area in Japan I think, another has French ghosts, this one has TV, I think, which I like," Xander pocketed the orbs. "I think this is the stock exchange, at least it looks like the info they show..."

"What's the date?" asked Harmony, perking up.

"August 13th 1953," Xander replied.

"Never mind, if it had been future knowledge we'd have made a mint," Harmony said with a sigh as she examined shoes.

"This one shows all of us here but we're naked in it," Xander said. "The other six are just filled with fog."

"Keep em," Willow said. "They sound interesting at least and like you said magical curios can be sold if we need money."

"I got some shoes that look way too good and one boring looking pair with built in phones," Harmony said.

"I got books and a deck of cards that are pretty tingly and a dog collar," Willow said.

"Check out the shoes," Harmony said, setting three pairs of shoes on a shelf near Willow.

"They all tingle," Willow said.

"Ruby slippers are Wizard of Oz," Harmony said.

"And probably teleport you to Kansas," Xander offered.

"The blue suede ones have got to be Elvis," Willow said.

"I have no idea what they would do," Xander said.

"Probably something to do with singing or dancing," Harmony offered, "we can test them later."

"Those are shoe phones from Get Smart," Xander said pointing at the third pair. "No special use other than being free cell phones."

"Sounds pretty special to me," Harmony said, tossing the shoes into her coat.

"Let's see what books you found," Xander told Willow as they looked where she pointed.

"Handbook for the Recently Deceased, looks like technical data – Giles will like it," Xander said.

"And that one," Willow said.

"So you want to be a wizard," Xander said opening the book, "doesn't look like English though the oath is."

"And that one."

"Necrotelenomicon: The Phone Book of the Dead," Xander read, opening it and promptly closing it again. "Phone numbers, lots of phone numbers."

"That one there."

"Tobin's Spirit Guide, now that one may be useful if it applies to our reality and not just the Ghostbusters."

"That book and the dog collar next to it."

Harmony opened it and saw a notebook and keyboard. "I think this is Penny's Computer-Book and Brain's Collar from Inspector Gadget."

"Anything else?" Xander asked.

"A deck of cards," Willow said pointing out where some kid had dropped a deck of game cards.

Xander picked up the deck and staggered. "Whoa, I dunno about tingling but that makes my entire arm vibrate."

"Strong voodoo?" Harmony asked.

"Extremely," Xander said as he cautiously opened the deck and pulled out a card. "Ornithopter, a 0/1 flying artifact," he read before setting the card down. The card vanished and a coffee table sized thing appeared in the air above him looking like Leonardo DaVinci's design for a kite and a hanglider crossbred.

Xander quickly put away the cards. "I don't think we should play with these in here."

"Good idea," Harmony said.

"It's getting late, we'd better finish up here if we want to make it to the Bronze on time," Willow pointed out.

"Nothing else from here is really jumping out at me," Xander admitted.

"I'll just walk through everything one last time," Willow said.

"I think I'm getting something from the Star Wars costumes," Harmony said, attracting Xander's attention.

The two teens examined the Star Wars outfits while Willow quickly walked through the store with arms outstretched hoping for one last quick check.

"The rifle and spare power cell," Willow said pointing to the storm trooper outfit, "and Vader's suit."

Xander shoved Vader's Suit into his trench coat thanking Janus and comedic storage trench coats. After a moment's thought he started dumping the entire section into his coat. Free Star Wars stuff was always good.

Having already pocketed the blaster rifle and power cell Harmony followed Xander's example and grabbed anything remotely interesting that wasn't nailed down.

Willow completed her search about five minutes later. "Okay, I've got a tray with several dealy boppers on it, but the place is clean otherwise."

Xander and Harmony each put on a set of dealy boppers, bobbing their heads to make the globes on the end of the springs bounce.

"I think I can hear music," Harmony said, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side.

Xander copied her a moment later. "Yeah me too."

"Uh guys … they vanished," Willow said nervously, "and I can't hear anything."

The two teens reached up and failed to find anything on their heads except hair.

"I think I'm hearing a radio broadcast," Xander said.

"Me too," Harmony agreed.

"Saves money on walkman batteries," Xander said, grabbing the two remaining items and shoving them into the bag of holding. "We're done here lets go to the Bronze."

"Should I be out in public?" Willow asked nervously.

"This is Sunnydale," Xander reminded her, "people will ignore the whole immaterial thing unless you draw attention to it."

"I can't drink or dance," Willow pointed out.

"You can do both," Harmony said. "Rimmer would ask Holly for a drink and he'd make a holographic drink for him and just avoid slow songs and dancing is fine."

"Just sit in between us and relax," Xander nodded.

"Okay," Willow agreed as they left to hit the Bronze, noticing Xander and Harmony humming and nodding along to music you normally needed a radio to hear and feeling a bit left out she sighed, "Wish I could hear radio." She froze in place as the sounds of dozens of radio stations crashed into her ears. A couple of seconds later she got the hang of hearing just what she wanted and quickly caught up with the two. Being a hologram does have its compensations she decided.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	3. Chapter 3

**R&D Chapter 3**

Xander woke up with two red heads and a blonde in a room he scarcely recognized. "Holly, what happened to my room?" he asked plaintively before he realized he wasn't on the Red Dwarf in deep space as Dave was used to.

"Bob upgraded and expanded it a bit," came Holly's voice from the watch sitting on the nightstand.

Xander blinked and came fully awake. "Holly?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes, Xander?"

"You didn't turn back into a cheap costume prop with the majority of the items from Halloween did you?"

"Of course not, otherwise I'd never have been able to keep Willow's hologram running."

"And you never thought to mention this before?"

"You never asked," Holly replied.

"Oh," Xander mused, "so, what's happened to my room?"

"Bob fixed it up last night while you were out – you probably would have noticed it last night but you were a bit distracted."

"Naked girls have that effect on me," Xander replied. "Who's Bob?"

"He's a scutter," Holly replied. "Something went wrong with his programming so he spends a bit of time thinking he's a dog, so if you find your favorite pair of trainers gnawed on try not to mention it. He's a bit sensitive about his problem."

"Scutters don't have teeth do they?" Xander asked confusedly, recalling that scutters simply resembled three fingered hands on mobile rectangular bases.

"I shouldn't think so, why?"

"No reason," Xander replied, deciding not to think about it. "Have him build some more scutters when he has the chance."

"I'll let him know when he's finished recharging," Holly promised, "provided he's not out chasing cars again."

"Thanks, I'm going back to sleep now."

"Night."

**0oOo0**

Buffy entered the library to find Giles examining several crystal balls and some books. "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Hey Buffy," both Willows and Xander chorused.

"Why is Harmony sleeping on top of a book case?" Buffy asked as she noticed the cat girl sprawled out atop one.

"It's a cat thing," Xander explained, "expect to see her up there a lot."

"Okay," Buffy said, deciding she didn't want to know the details.

The Willows were both watching a crystal ball and comparing what they saw to their laptops.

"It's accurate as far as I can tell," the Willow with the noticeably smaller chest said.

"It's running faster than real time," the second Willow said.

"What does that mean?"

"In a couple of decades it'll catch up to the present and start telling us the future."

"We'll be old by then!" the first Willow complained. "Like 40!"

"Yes, positively ancient..." Giles agreed dryly, not looking up from the crystal ball he was studying.

"So, what do you think, Japan?" Xander asked.

"No, I don't think so..." Giles replied after a moment of thought. "I have yet to see anyone past puberty that didn't look like a playboy model and I've seen hair colors that just aren't natural."

"They could have dyed their hair," Buffy offered as she approached.

"Not unless it's common practice to dye the carpet as well," Xander replied.

"I've also seen unusual eye colors, including a complete lack of pupil with no apparent lack of sight," Giles said.

Buffy looked into the crystal ball and saw a group of naked young women bathing. "You're spying on a spa?"

"The ball is locked on with no way to change views," Xander explained, "so we're trying to figure out where it is."

"I don't think it's our dimension," Giles continued, "and I'm at a loss as to how to change its focus."

"See if the council will buy it," Xander said. "I don't see much use for it beyond curiosity."

"The HBO one is showing everything as scheduled," Willow announced.

"Which is strange, because the actual channel is behind schedule by about five minutes due to technical problems," the other Willow offered.

"If you put your finger on it you can get sound," Xander said.

Buffy examined a globe that had a translucent figure in it shouting something. Placing a finger on it her eyes grew wide and she pulled back her hand. "He's cussing in French about anything and everything."

"Add that to the Council pile," Xander waved her toward it.

"Why would anyone make these?" Buffy asked.

"Chaos magic is exactly what it says," Giles replied.

"If the Council pays a decent price for the crystal balls I might sell them some of the more useful items we found," Xander said, "but the really useful ones we're going to keep for ourselves."

"Like what?" Buffy asked.

Xander handed her a machete. "Never dulls or breaks no matter what we tried on it and if you put enough force behind it it'll cut steel."

Buffy blinked. "And the voice chanting 'kill kill kill' like from a horror movie?"

"It's the only downside to it, so don't hand it to someone who listens to the voices in their head."

"I get to keep it?" Buffy asked.

"Yep, figure it'd be more useful to you than anything else."

"Thanks!" Buffy said with a bright smile.

"Here's another one we're keeping that works but its buggy," Xander said pushing a crystal ball towards Buffy.

Buffy looked in the ball, then down at herself then back in the ball. "Okay, what's so useful about getting to see everyone in the room naked?"

"Because you can actually use this to scry on people; let's say Angel was kidnapped and we needed to rescue him, all you have to do is concentrate on him and it'll show where he is and who's with him," Giles explained.

"Naked," Buffy pointed out skeptically.

"Yes, but despite the lack of clothes it is 100% accurate," Giles continued.

Buffy nodded and looked into the ball for a minute. "Angel's safe," she commented with a grin.

**0oOo0**

In the center of a sphere of empty space in the asteroid belt an enormous metal frame is slowly growing. A large asteroid slowly tumbles toward it, its path unchanged for millennia uncounted, but as it crosses into the empty space occupied by the frame it begins to break up into smaller and smaller pieces until it vanishes altogether, the frame growing imperceptibly thicker.

**0oOo0**

"Leonardo Di Caprio is safe," Buffy announced, drawing both Willow's attention and waking Harmony.

Giles rolled his eyes but didn't say anything.

"Randomly created magical items should be valuable because even if they aren't something useful a study of the enchantment on them should provide a clue as to how to make similar items that are useful," Willow said, casually moving towards Buffy.

"I was thinking they were valuable as magical curios but you have a point," Xander agreed. "If they can figure out what makes them tick they can make items more to their liking."

"Indeed," Giles agreed. "Permanent items of any type are rare, so even those of limited use are valuable beyond what you'd expect."

"Which means we'll have money to get some better equipment," Xander said.

"How do you mean?" Giles asked.

"I mean we could use a few more crossbows and shiny sharp things for Buffy," Xander replied. "I've seen you looking through hunting catalogs and I doubt it's because you want to make deer jerky."

"There have been some advances in material composition that offer some promising enhancements over the traditional design," Giles admitted.

"Not to mention body armor," Xander pointed out.

"Christian Slater is safe!" Buffy announced, all four of the females present now gathered around the ball.

"Let's check on Tom Cruise," Harmony suggested.

"It would be a shame if something happened to him because we didn't check," Willow agreed.

"A slayer's work is never done," Buffy said solemnly.

"Body armor would be nice," Giles admitted, ignoring the girls, "but the costs involved are rather excessive, you'd have nothing left."

"If we're ever hard up for money we'll sell something else," Xander said. "Money isn't important in this case. Hell, tell the Council that you want the latest weapons and armor that can be used in an urban environment for them. I'm sure they can get better prices and gear than we can as civilians."

"The Council does have a lot of contacts," Giles agreed.

"Mel Gibson is safe!" Harmony announced.

"He certainly is," Buffy agreed.

"I've got two pairs of glasses that make people not want to have sex with you and a couple of crystal balls that are filled with static that we can use for cash if we need it," Xander said.

"Excellent, then I'll see what deals I can make."

"The science teacher I had a crush on in junior high is safe!" Buffy announced.

**0oOo0**

"We didn't always have a two story parking garage under the house yesterday, did we?" Jessica asked.

Tony threw a ball, which a small blue scutter raced over to catch and return.

"Good boy," Tony said, patting the scutter atop its three fingered head and retrieving the ball for another throw. "Doubt it, but we should probably cut back on our drinking anyway."

A half dozen scutters zoomed past like a line of baby ducks.

"I could spend some more time on housekeeping," Jessica said thoughtfully.

Tony looked around the spotless living room that now had a sunken in floor and an 80" TV. "I'm thinking of hitting the weight room; actually work out a little, swim a few laps, and then relax in the hot tub."

"We have a weight room, pool and hot tub?" Jessica asked numbly.

**0oOo0**

"You get to take me to my house," Harmony told Xander, "and explain why I'm a couple of days late getting home."

Xander froze. "Won't your parents kill me?"

Harmony rolled her eyes. "Don't tell the truth! Make something up, you're better at that than I am."

"Really?" both Willows exclaimed.

"I could lie like a dog before," Harmony admitted cheerfully, "but now that I'm a cat I'm stuck between why bother and can't think of anything believable."

"How does that make me a better liar?" Xander asked.

"Dave could come up with some real whoppers at the drop of a hat, so I figure you can too."

"He could," Xander admitted, "but they weren't exactly believable."

"I know, but I figure since I'm going to get caught I might as well get some laughs out of it."

Xander opened his mouth to say something then paused and shrugged. "What the hell, should be good for a laugh," he agreed.

**0oOo0**

"And where have you been young lady?" Harmony's mother demanded, arms crossed in front of her and the toes of her right foot tapping impatiently on the floor.

"The gas leak confused a lot of people," Harmony claimed.

"For a number of hours, not days," her mother responded.

"I left messages on the answering machine!"

"And what are you wearing?" she demanded.

"A crimson and black …" Harmony began and the conversation between the two delved into matters of fashion that Xander could not follow.

While Harmony's mother could have been her older sister, her father looked like his actual age of somewhere in the late thirties, with a strong grip and dark hair silvering at the temples. "And here they go again."

"Men's fashion," Harmony's mother said with a sigh, "you're becoming a lesbian, aren't you?"

"Mother!" Harmony yelled indignantly.

"I want grandkids at some point!" she complained.

"I like boys just fine, ask Xander! Xander, tell her I love the cock!" Harmony ordered.

"I can honestly say she likes boys," Xander assured her mother.

"Just liking boys doesn't mean she'll have kids someday," Harmony's mom said bluntly.

"She enjoys activities that could lead to pregnancy," Xander replied, uncomfortably aware that both her parents were looking at him expectantly.

"Then why did I catch you calling out Cordelia's name when I walked in on you with that vibrating thing?" she demanded.

Harmony blushed. "That has nothing to do with anything! Everyone wants to nail Cordelia! Xander, tell her what you'd do to Cordelia."

"If not for her personality I'd bend her over in the hall at school in between classes and plow her," Xander admitted.

"See? I say nail Cordelia and he already has a fantasy ready about the girl – everyone does!"

"Okay, maybe I'm worried about nothing, but all I know is that when I was your age I already had a serious boyfriend who I introduced to my parents and often snuck around to have sex with."

"Xander, this is my mother Clarissa and my father Daniel," Harmony introduced him.

"Hi!" Xander chirped nervously, giving them an awkward wave.

"Are you having sex with my little girl?" Daniel asked him, giving him a serious look.

"Several times a day; sometimes upside down and occasionally in the shower," Harmony replied for him and gestured for Xander to speak.

"Yes," Xander said, unable to think of anything more he could say that wouldn't add to the TMI state they were currently enjoying.

"You should come over to dinner some time so we can get to know you," Daniel suggested in a way that made it quite clear that it was not a suggestion.

"Yes sir," Xander agreed.

**0oOo0**

"That went well," Harmony said as they left.

"Yep, I'm still alive and I can blackmail you about Cordelia," Xander replied cheerfully.

"Really Mister 'lets bend Cordelia over in the hallway at school and give it to her'?" Harmony said with a grin.

"Truce?" Xander asked, offering a hand.

"Truce," she said as they shook on it.

"So … dinner with your parents?"

"Twice a week and they'll practically let you get away with anything," she promised.

"Every week?" he asked with a wince.

"Make regular appearances with me at home and there is little I won't let you get away with," she teased playfully, rubbing up against him and purring.

"I suppose I can add it to my schedule," he mused thoughtfully.

"That's the spirit!" Harmony encouraged him. "Unlike Dave and Cat we've got homes and families and aren't lost in deep space, the world is our oyster!"

"Yeah," he agreed cheerfully.

**One week later… **

"I miss the ship," Harmony said out of the blue from her favorite spot on top of the book case. "I know we were never really there and the whole point of the series was to reach Earth where we are now, but I still miss it."

"I miss the hard light bee," Holo-Willow said. "Not to mention the sense of excitement! We were going somewhere, we were doing something."

"Peeked at Holly's memories of the ship," Xander guessed.

"Your other self is driving you nuts," the cat girl translated.

"Just a tad," Holo-Willow admitted, "she's not even bothering to keep up with the latest on the net, because she's busy trying to levitate a pencil and memorize medieval herb reaction tables! Holly pop me into the virtual room please," she said before vanishing, leaving her light bee – a copper construct that looked like two thimbles stuck together to hover until Xander plucked it from the air and pocketed it.

"You'd think the two would get along a little better," Harmony said with a sigh.

"Willow has always been insecure about her looks and based most of her self-worth on her intelligence," Xander explained. "So, here we have a Willow who has had Holly up her appearance and operates in computational cycles rather than seconds. Of course they're going to conflict."

"And Willow, while enjoying her new advantages, can't help but envy organic Willow for her ability to touch things and have children," Harmony said with a sigh.

"Have children?" Xander asked wide eyed.

"Relax monkey boy," Harmony teased, "it's all about the possibility not the actuality."

"Meaning?" he asked in confusion.

"A decade from now she may mug you for some DNA for reproductive purposes, but for now it's just a dietary supplement, or would be if she had an organic body."

"Oh my, look at the time!" Buffy said cheerfully, holding up a bare wrist. "I gotta … patrol, yes I must patrol!"

"Your friends are really squeamish," Harmony said as Buffy fled into the night.

"You two are just way too blunt," Cordelia replied, "and this is me saying that."

"Is that why organic Willow keeps vanishing?" Xander asked.

"No, she's doing the 'not breaking up with you' dance," Cordelia explained.

"I missed that completely!" Harmony complained.

"That's because Xander and Willow have been joined at the hip since forever, so the early stages just separate them as much as a normal couple while dating."

"What am I missing?" Xander asked confusedly.

The two girls rolled their eyes.

"Willow wants to break up with you, but she wants you to be at fault, so she'll get more and more distant hoping you'll break up with her. Or failing that she can claim after a week or more of not seeing you that you just stopped coming around so you technically broke up with her," Cordelia explained.

"That's manipulative, underhanded and dishonest," Xander said with a frown.

"Yep," the two girls chorused without an ounce of shame.

"You've helped her mature into a woman," Cordelia said, "congratulations."

"And she's breaking up with me?"

"Yes," Cordelia said, wishing he wasn't so dense.

"Why?"

"Any number of reasons," she said, "you aren't the same Xander Harris you were two weeks ago when Halloween hit. She isn't the same Willow Rosenberg, you are also dating Harmony and an upgraded version of Willow. Some girls just aren't into the whole group thing."

"It just … kinda happened," Xander said, "Willow needed me so I was there for her and the next day I somehow agreed to have sex with Harmony and Willow."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Well I have things to do," she declared before leaving.

"Does Cordelia seem a little … Bitchy?" Harmony asked.

"More than usual though," Xander said.

"Yeah," Harmony agreed, "but I can't say why. It's almost like she's jealous of someone."

"Any ideas?"

Harmony shrugged. "She's queen bitch for a reason, she plays her cards so close to her chest I'd have to bury my face in her cleavage to get a whiff of an answer."

**One week later... **

"Bob's made several dozen extra scutters and had them working on a project," Holly told Xander. "They just sent word its complete."

"What is?" Xander asked.

"The Starbug," Holly said proudly.

"How?" Willow demanded. "The fuel to power it is probably rare, illegal, expensive and not yet invented!"

"They found a toxic waste dump," Holly explained, "a lot of what we use to produce fuel is still classified as toxic waste during this century."

"No one's going to complain about the dump are they?" Harmony asked.

"I shouldn't think so," Holly replied thoughtfully, "it looked like someone just buried a whole lot of old rusty drums and forgot about them."

"So where is it?" Harmony asked.

**0oOo0**

The three teens entered the Sunnydale wrecking yard, eying the stacks of rusty metal wrecks suspiciously as they seemed about ready to fall over if a good stiff breeze hit them.

"And why did they build it here?" Harmony asked.

"It's a remote location with plenty of material and no one comes out here, even the demons seem to give this place a miss," Holly explained.

"For good reason," Xander said, grabbing Harmony's arm to keep her from stepping forward.

Harmony looked down and paled as she spotted a rusty bear trap.

"The guy who ran this place went a little nuts and put traps everywhere before he died last year," Xander explained.

"A little nuts?" Harmony demanded.

"Yeah, claimed he set the traps to kill demons."

"Well … that's actually reasonable," she conceded.

"Still doesn't explain the chicken suit he refused to take off," Xander said with a shrug.

"And that's just a little nuts?" Harmony asked doubtfully.

"Compared to all the people in this town who dress normally and pretend that vampires don't exist; definitely," he replied, pulling her behind him and picking up a long metal pole from the ground.

Using a combination of Holly's sensors and Xander's pole, they reached the newly built ship alive and unharmed.

"It looks like a snowman with a jet pack strapped to its butt down on all fours," Willow said as she examined the large olive green ship.

"It's bigger than my house!" Xander said as Holly triggered the ramp so they could climb on board.

"Oh yeah!" Willow said, closing her eyes and purring as they entered the cargo bay.

"It feels so nice to have space to stretch out in," Holly said his face appearing in a monitor on the wall.

Xander looked at his watch and found it blank.

"Watch a little crowded?" Harmony asked.

"Yeah, but I didn't realize it until now," Willow admitted.

The ramp closed up and the two hurried to the bridge, Willow simply shifted herself there with a thought leaving her light bee to follow Xander, while she took advantage of the on board holo projectors.

Willow took Rimmer's usual spot at the nav-station while Xander and Harmony settled into the pilot and co-pilot chairs which had yokes much like an airplane.

In fact anyone who'd seen the cockpit of a Jupiter mining corp vessel would tell you they looked like a cross between an airline cockpit and a naval station's bridge by way of a company who designed garbage trucks. That's not to say they were ugly, (they were) or that the controls had been simplified so even borderline morons could fly them (they had) but rather that given a sledgehammer and five minutes even a very experienced vandal would have a tough time making the ship inoperable.

"Why aren't our stations active?" Xander asked as he and Harmony noticed the lack of power.

Holly's face appeared on the main view screen. "Because none of you are qualified yet."

The engines activated and the ship lifted off, its cloak engaging as it gained altitude.

"So where are we headed?" Harmony asked.

"Xander's house to retrieve his things and then yours to retrieve several racks of clothing."

"Why?" Willow asked.

"Because Starbug isn't the big surprise," Holly replied, "the big surprise will take a couple of days to get to."

"No hints?" Xander asked.

"Do I look like the Riddler from Batman? No, not a one. All I will say is bring extra knickers because you're going to wet yourselves in joy."

"Wet myself in joy?" Harmony and Xander chorused.

"It's that good," Holly said. "Xander where do you want to store Ford?"

"You kept his corpse?" the girls chorused.

"The cargo deck is fine," Xander replied, "make sure his cryo-chamber is operating properly and strap it down."

"You keep his corpse on ice?" Harmony asked plainly horrified.

"He's alive, I stuck him in the cryo-tube so he'd live long enough to get his cancer cured," Xander said.

"I thought you'd killed him when he vanished and you said you'd taken care of things," Harmony admitted.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," Willow agreed, "it's why Buffy's been so cold to you lately."

"I didn't kill the guy," Xander said, "between the drugs and the cancer eating his brain he's not exactly in his right mind."

"He tried to sell Buffy to Spike," Willow pointed out, "even with how he was it's a lot to excuse."

"Well fortunately for him I have a great deal of compassion for my fellow human beings," Xander said, "he'll be on ice until I can find a way to cure him."

"That's great Xan!" Willow beamed at him.

"And then when he's whole, hale and hearty I'll kick his ass for trying to sell out Buffy!"

**AN: Typing by Godogma, who I have chained up in the basement and forced to type up all my work. **


	4. Chapter 4

**R&D Chapter 4**

"Where can we land without crushing anything?" Xander asked as the view screen showed his house approaching.

"Bob had the scutters box all your stuff," Holly replied. "I'll land in the street and we'll be loaded up and gone before anyone can complain."

"We'll need an excuse to skip school and something to calm our parents down if we're going to be gone for a week or more," Harmony warned.

"Already taken care of," Holly promised, "the long boring test you took Monday was the GED – you both passed."

"And our parents?" Xander asked cautiously.

"That's up to you," Holly admitted, "not sure how you're going to pull it off."

"We need stunt doubles!" Harmony complained.

"Or android duplicates, like the fake Kochanski," Xander said perking up. "Holly, change of plans!"

"Yeah?" Holly asked.

"Yeah," Xander said, "we need a couple of undetectable android duplicates to take our place."

"One problem with that," Holly posited.

"Yeah?" Xander asked.

"We don't know how to build them, technology in our universe usually steered clear of android replicas and cloning," the AI replied.

"What about all the wax droids and Rimmer world?" he asked in return.

"Wax droids melt at temps most humans like to go to the beach at so they were acceptable and Rimmer world was an abomination to man and god that never should have occurred. Plus, we don't have any terraforming pods."

"Yeah, but the tech was there," Xander argued.

"I can probably whip up a couple of wax droids to take your place, if they stay indoors and out of the sun," Holly offered, "but Starbug doesn't have the facilities."

"Okay, short trip first," Xander agreed. "When we can get some wax droid stand-ins we'll see about longer ones."

"Works for me," Harmony agreed happily.

Xander quickly unstrapped himself and jogged to the airlock, deciding to take the outer stairs down as it'd be faster and the scutters would be crowding the cargo ramp anyway.

Harmony followed, figuring she'd see if he said anything she could use on her parents. Otherwise she'd have to make him talk to them in place of her again.

Xander's parents followed the scutters outside.

"I picked the wrong month to give up drinking," Tony said as he looked at the ship while the airlock opened.

"You and me both," Jessica agreed.

Xander hurried down the stairs when he saw his parents. "I don't suppose I can just say I'm going to space camp for a week and get away with it?" he asked them hopefully.

"What about your education?" his mom asked.

"And I don't suppose you have a rational explanation for all this?" his father asked hopefully.

"We already passed our GED's and not really," Xander admitted. "The actual explanation is less rational and believable than space camp."

"Have fun at camp," Tony offered with a smile and a wave just before Jessica smacked him the back of the head. "Owww!"

"Will you be safe, can you call home, who all is going?" Jessica quickly rattled off her parental childrens' trip checklist.

"Unless we're attacked by aliens we should be good," Xander said.

"Me, Harmony and a Willow are going. Holly, can we call home?"

Holly's voice came from Xander's watch, "The TV in the living room doubles as a subspace transceiver. Just say call Starbug and you'll be able to talk to Xander."

"Who's that and what do you mean a Willow?" Jessica asked.

"This is Holly, the ship's AI," Xander explained holding up his wrist so they could see him. "And I mean a Willow because we've had two of them since Halloween."

Jessica froze up for a second before raising her hand and waving. "Have fun at camp, son!"

Tony laughed. "Be sure to bring back souvenirs, pictures and a rock or something. Now get out of the road before you cause an accident."

"Thanks dad," Xander called with a grin as he hurried back up the stairs.

Harmony had watched everything from the airlock. "You are **so** telling my parents."

"Why me?" Xander protested, more out of habit than anything else.

"Because if you do I'll do that thing you like so much," she purred, running a finger down his chest.

"Deal!" Xander said instantly.

"What's that thing you like so much?" Willow asked, never having noticed the two doing anything in particular.

"Sex," Xander replied, heading for the bridge.

"Yeah, that'd do it," Willow agreed before switching back to the nav-station.

"Strap in," Holly said as Xander and Harmony reached the bridge and took their seats.

"There's enough room to land on your back lawn or over the pool," Holly told Harmony as they hovered over her house cloaked. "Any preferences?"

"Over the pool will be fine, I don't want to mess up the lawn," she replied.

"That's considerate of you," Willow said, "I doubt your gardeners want to deal with the mess this would make of the lawn."

"We don't have any gardeners," Harmony said, "daddy said a man should only own as much land as he's willing to care for."

"Your dad rocks," Xander said.

"Of course mom said if he tried to make her stick to 'just as much house as she was willing to clean' they'd be living in a one bedroom studio apartment for the rest of their lives, so it was reinterpreted to 'as much house as the maids she was willing to oversee could clean'," she added.

"Go mom!" Willow cheered.

Xander laughed. "Okay, both your parents rock."

The ship touched down smoothly.

Xander and Harmony took the stairs down to the cargo hold and saw Xander's boxes of stuff neatly stacked and labeled along with a large black block with a figure frozen in it looking like a Star Wars prop.

"How did you freeze him in carbonite?" Harmony demanded. "I'm pretty sure it was just made up for the movie and didn't you say he was in a cryo-tube?"

"Holly found the file somewhere and it was easier and safer for long term storage of someone with cancer, as some types aren't stopped by cryo-tubes. I didn't say anything because carbonite slab sounds so evil compared to cryo-tube."

"Good point," Harmony agreed.

The cargo ramp was down so they could easily hear the voice of her father, "At least they didn't land on the lawn!"

"Harmony told us where to land," Xander said as they came down the ramp.

"You're an alien?" Dan asked in surprise.

"Nah, just have a spaceship," Xander replied.

Harmony rolled her eyes as her parents tried to fit **this** into their world view.

"It's a beaut," Dan said. "What kind of mileage do you get?"

"We took and passed our GED's," Harmony quickly said, "so can I take a week off to go into outer space?"

"Not even leaving the solar system," Xander promised them.

Harmony's parents glanced at each other and passed information back and forth at speeds IBM could only dream of before they both stepped forward and talked to one of the teens.

"Have fun but be careful," her father told her, "there are no hospitals in space."

"I will daddy, promise," Harmony said giving her dad a hug.

"Having sex while wearing a condom is like going to a rock concert wearing ear plugs," Clarissa said, "the pill was invented so you'd actually be able to have an enjoyable sex life, not feel like you were fucking an inflatable doll."

"Mother!" Harmony screeched, dragging Xander back on board.

"Have fun and remember doggy style has the deepest penetration!"

The ramp pulled up behind them as Harmony drug Xander to the bridge.

"You have an interesting mom," Willow said having watched everything with the ship's sensors.

"She got pregnant in high school and so did her mom before her," Harmony explained, "it's a family tradition according to her. It's how the last four or five generations of our family have picked their husbands and surprisingly enough we've never had a divorce."

"Seriously?" Willow asked as they strapped in.

Harmony nodded. "Also the women in our family who don't get married in high school tend not to get married until later in life and don't have children at all."

"That explains so much about your parents..." Xander mused thoughtfully.

"And why you have a decoy set of birth control pills you keep on you," Willow agreed.

"Mom doesn't want me to screw up my life like Aunt Amanda," Harmony said, "so she keeps replacing my pills with tic-tacs."

"Isn't she a famous actress?"

"And never had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of weeks," Harmony said shaking her head, "most of the time she's pretty miserable."

"You never have a relationship that lasts more than a couple of weeks," Willow pointed out.

"Most guys are flakes that either vanish or hide what they really are until they get what they want," Harmony said.

"And your parents scare off the rest?" Xander said.

"Bingo!"

Acceleration pushed the two back in their seats.

"We're landing for supplies in three," Holly warned.

"Supplies?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Holly replied, "the scutters hooked up lines so we have full water tanks, but they couldn't exactly go to the store for food and sundries."

"Point," Xander agreed, "got a list of what we need?"

"Just food for a week and odds and sods," Holly said, "figured I'd let you guys work it out, we've got a shoebox filled with cash that the scutters dug up from somewhere."

"Do we have a microwave and freezer on board?" Harmony asked.

"Just like the original minus the malfunctions due to extreme age," Holly promised.

"Keep the cloak up and an eye out," Xander said, "the last thing we need is someone in the parking lot crashing into the ship. We shouldn't be too long."

"I'll keep an eye out," Holly promised as he brought them in for a landing.

"Where are we?" Xander asked as they headed down to the cargo deck.

"New Jersey," Willow replied, "I figured a Quick-E-Mart would have everything we need and be far enough off the beaten path that we wouldn't have to worry about credible witnesses."

The three walked down the cargo ramp and found two stoners staring at them as they stepped out of range of the cloak.

"Would you consider yourselves credible witnesses?" Willow asked.

"Shit no," the skinny stoner said, "I don't even believe half the shit I say and tubby here don't say shit. Walking out of thin air is a neat trick though, want to buy some weed?"

"Weed does nothing for me, got any cat-nip?" Harmony asked.

"I think they got some herbal teas and shit inside but I still say THE herb is superior."

"I'll take a lid and some papers," Xander said.

"Xander?" Willow screeched.

The fat guy held out an ornate cross.

"What?" Xander asked. "It was legal in Dave's time."

The fat stoner's cross sank into Willow's hologram when he suddenly thrust it forward.

The three Sunnydale teens froze, but the skinny stoner just shook his head. "Stop fuckin' with the hallucination and make change, lunch box!"

The fat stoner pocketed the cross and pulled out a wad of cash, peeling off a couple of bills and passing them to Xander.

"I'm not a hallucination!" Willow complained.

"You cast no shadow and the sun's still up, so if you're a ghost you're stronger than fuck!" the skinny one retorted.

Deciding not to argue Willow turned to Xander. "I'm going to see what movies they have in the video store."

"I'll pick up whatever you decide on after I get done," Xander promised.

"You're going to get stuck with a bunch of chick flicks," the dealer warned.

"Be sure to pick up a good selection of porn too," Harmony added.

"Will do," Willow promised before walking through the doors.

A skinny guy with blondish brown hair looked up from the paper he was reading when he spotted Willow. "How'd you get in here? I haven't unlocked the doors yet."

"I walked through them; now give some help to your disabled customer or I'll get a bunch of hippies to stage a sit in."

The clerk winced. "Shit, that'll be all I need! Who's disabled?"

"I am, I can't touch anything," she replied. "Now, let's go see what you've got on sale."

"Hold up, you can't touch anything?"

Willow passed her hand through the counter.

"This isn't going turn into some crappy three spirits of Christmas rip off is it?" Randall according to his name tag demanded. "Because if you pull that shit on me, I swear to god I'll find some way to make your afterlife miserable!"

"Halloween was just last month," Willow said.

"Well, we're already getting ads for Christmas specials," he argued.

"Look, I don't like the over commercialization of Christmas any more than you do and I'm not related to Christmas in any way shape or form; besides I'm Jewish."

"Oh, okay sorry about that but being stuck in a Christmas tale is my third worst fear."

Willow opened her mouth to ask what his two worst fears were but stopped herself. "I don't want to know what your two worst fears are, do I?"

"No, probably not," Randall admitted.

"Okay, I'm buying not renting movies. I need a load of chick flicks, guy films, and a credible amount of porn."

"Gimme a ball park here," Randall said, "a load could mean anything; that could be five or fifty."

"We'll be trapped on ship for about a week," she offered.

"Twenty of each then," he decided, "that'll give you enough to last a week without running out or feeling short on choice."

"If you've got some cartoons and bollywood films get us some of them too."

"Okay, we're looking at about a hundred tapes and two grand," Randall said, "and I'll need you to pick the porn. Watching someone else's choices is like having someone else make you a cup of coffee with no input – it never tastes right."

"Okay," Willow agreed.

0oOo0

"What is he doing?" Xander asked the clerk.

"Trying to find a perfect dozen eggs," the dark haired clerk with the badge reading Dante said. They watched as the middle aged man in an out of date brown suit tested and examined various eggs, crushing some against the glass.

"And you allow that?" Harmony asked.

"I've got a couple of people who do it; guidance counselors mainly. They pay for what they break and clean up after themselves, which is better than most customers," Dante replied unconcerned.

"Okay," Xander shrugged off the weirdness, "I'm just here to buy out most of your food anyway."

"Seriously?"

Xander placed a shoebox full of cash on the counter.

"I'm not on a hidden camera show, am I?"

"Nope, going on a long trip and won't be able to stop for supplies, so we figured a Quick-E-Mart would be the best place to buy out."

"Some of this milk only has a day left before it goes bad," Harmony called from the dairy isle.

"We got an additive that'll keep it good for about a decade," Xander told her.

"Really?" Dante asked, "I'd think if there was something like that out there corporations would kill for it."

"You know when you get some milk a day or two past the date it tastes just enough off so you're not sure if it's safe to drink or not?"

"Yeah?" Dante asked curiously.

"It makes it all taste that way, so the time testers marked fail for all the tests, not realizing that it was the same for all the past due dates."

"Wow."

"Yeah, only one type of milk lasts longer," Xander said.

"Really? What kind?" Dante asked curiously.

"Dog's milk."

"Why?"

"No one will drink it."

Harmony set a dozen gallons of milk on the counter. "Ring em up."

Dante did, noting that as each one was rung up she placed them on the floor. "I can bag these for you and you can probably get Bob to help you carry them out."

"Bob?" Xander asked.

"Fat stoner out front," he explained, "I'd say bribe Jay to help out as well, but he always messes things up."

"The scutters have got it," Xander said, holding open the front door for a moment.

Dante leaned over the counter and saw the milk was gone. "Midgets?"

"Robots," Xander replied.

"Cool!"

Willow walked in through the wall. "Any preferences in porn?"

"Parody," Xander replied, "I prefer porn with either a good plot or some decent parody."

"Harmony?"

"No interracial ones that make a big deal out of it, they've always felt condescending to me," she said wrinkling her nose.

"And at least a couple girl on girl ones," Xander added.

Willow rolled her eyes. "Like there's a decent porn movie without at least one girl on girl scene."

Dante stared as Willow left. "Did she just walk through the wall?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed, placing another bag of assorted food and snack items on the floor for the scutters to take.

Randall came in carrying a large box of tapes. "Ghost girl says you have the cash?"

"Shoebox," Xander replied, gesturing to the counter as he collected all the Hostess products.

"Cool, mind if I take an extra hundred for pizza?"

"How long do they take to deliver?" Xander asked.

"Quarter of an hour."

"Order two large, one Hawaiian and one meat lover for us and we'll spring for the rest," Xander replied.

"On it."

**An hour later...**

"And that's the last of it," Xander said shaking the empty shoebox.

Dante looked around the Quick-E-Mart. "I've got diet soda and menthol cigarettes left and that's about it."

Harmony and Jay were arguing and passing a pair of joints back and forth while Willow and Silent Bob discussed something quietly.

"So, what's the what anyway?" Randall asked as he finished off a slice of mushroom pizza.

"Someone called on an old god during Halloween and we ended up of a future that's a TV show here," Xander explained, figuring the truth would be a lot more confusing than a lie at this point.

"Weird," Randall said.

"That sums up my life nicely," Xander said, "well, people to do and places to see. Later!"

The four watched as the three visitors vanished into thin air and a cloud of dust was blown about for no apparent reason.

"So..." Dante asked.

"Scutters and holograms are straight Red Dwarf; British scifi series," Randall said. "The amount of dirt kicked up in their take off says a cloaked Starbug."

"They all carry an aura of darkness and pain that make me think either mimes or Hellmouth," Silent Bob offered.

"Sunnydale," Jay added, "I remember from when we went there and kicked that Angel dude's ass for his comments on how we were the perfect example of how far modern entertainment had fallen."

"Janus ritual?" Dante offered.

"Yeah, but there's not a whole lot of his worshipers about these days," Randall said.

"Probably enchanted costumes and sold them," Jay said, "it's a dick move but good for some yuks."

"Hope they come by again," Dante said, "they really kept us in the black for this month."

0oOo0

Holly turned the forward view screen on and the teens watched in excitement as the blue sky darkened to black and they left the Earth behind.

"We're in space!" Willow said in awe.

"Yeah," Harmony and Xander chorused with matching smiles, both feeling as if an invisible weight had been removed from their shoulders.

After a few minutes of quiet Xander spoke up, "Okay, let's do something before the boredom drives me crazy. Suggestions?"

"Porn, sex, food, sleep..." Harmony quickly counted off.

"The AR suite!" Xander said as an idea hit him. "Holly, does the Starbug have a working AR suite?"

"Yeah, but we still only have the same dozen games that came with the original," Holly said, "so really you'd be better off making your own."

"Load up the Starbug simulator and have it run at double speed," Xander ordered.

"I guess we could re-qual so we could fly ourselves around," Harmony said unenthusiastically.

"I know that grin," Willow said, "you've got something planned."

"Yes I do," Xander admitted, "follow me and find out."

The two girls looked at each other and shrugged, getting up to follow Xander down to the artificial reality suite.

0oOo0

"Okay, so what's the big surprise?" Willow asked as Harmony jacked in and joined them, meaning all three teens were now in an artificial reality indistinguishable from the one they'd just left.

Xander stepped forward and kissed Willow.

"You can feel me!" she exclaimed, having forgotten about the AR suite's properties with her excitement over being in space. "I'm real here!"

Xander and Harmony hugged her in between them.

"Yep," Xander agreed, "we get twelve hours a day in here and then eighteen on the outside so we don't overload our brains or end up like some BTL junky."

"BTL?" Willow asked.

"Better than life, an addictive game that people wasted away and died playing," Xander explained.

"There's no chance of that here is there?" Willow asked.

"Nah, that game connected to your subconscious and removed the knowledge you were playing," Harmony said, "this is just running at double speed, we'll sleep a little more and be fine."

**Two days later...**

"We're approaching the asteroid belt," Holly announced.

"Is what you wanted to show us out here?" Xander asked as Holly changed their course.

"Yes, feast your eyes on this!" Holly announced grandly as they zipped around a large asteroid and came within view of… the Red Dwarf.

"How?" Xander demanded in shock.

"Kryten's nanites," Holly explained, "it was easy for them to rebuild the Red Dwarf since they took it apart once before. Of course they had to replicate themselves an ungodly amount of times to do it and they found some interesting heavy elements and large mineral deposits so it didn't take the projected four months to get it this complete."

"They didn't recreate the crew did they?" Xander asked.

"That didn't work out very well last time so they skipped **that** bit," the AI replied.

"Could we use the nanites to build Willow a new body and cure Ford?" Xander asked excitedly.

"'Fraid not," Holly said, "Kryten's nanites created nanites specifically programmed to rebuild the Red Dwarf since it was disassembled after they'd rebuilt it but they have no function beyond that."

"So we still need to find a way to cure cancer and clone people," Xander said to himself.

"Just clone people really," Holly said, "you can move them to the non-cancer ridden clone and call it a day."

"True," Xander said cheerfully, "and heck Earth technology is getting close to that."

"Earth technology?" Willow asked curiously. "What were you planning on for cloning me?"

"The Holly-hop drive," Xander admitted, "it doesn't do deep space or anything but it does do alternate dimensions fine, and one of them is bound to have the tech we need."

"You'd jump blindly from universe to universe for me?" Willow asked teary eyed.

"You're my Willow, of course I would."

Willow sniffed and vanished.

"Holly, where'd she go?" Xander demanded.

"She's working on a simulation," Holly said, "she was getting a bit emotional so she went to cool off."

"Not like she can retreat to her room or bury her face in your chest buddy," Harmony pointed out.

"True enough," Xander agreed, "well our quals are up to date, so how far are we out from the ship?"

"Ninety three minutes and some change," Holly announced.

"That's enough time for a nap, or sex, or a movie, or sex," Harmony said, "I know what we should do!"

"Have sex?" Xander asked.

"You read my mind!"

**0oOo0**

Xander took another drag of his cigarette and waited patiently as the mostly rebuilt Red Dwarf swelled in their view screens.

"Now," Holly announced, causing Xander and Harmony to explode into action, flipping switches and rattling off data.

The majority of it was needless and originally just done to make Rimmer worry, but it was tradition so they did it anyway.

Xander and Harmony brought in Starbug as smoothly as Dave and Cat ever had, even if they cheated a bit by having Holly assist them.

"We did it!" Willow cheered excitedly. "We're home!"

"Yes," Holly agreed as Xander and Harmony undid their restraint harnesses, "however the ship is only 93% complete which means you'll need to wear space suits outside of the few areas already pressurized and connected to life support."

"Any good news?" Willow asked.

"The vending machines are fully stocked on deck 337," Holly replied cheerfully.

"Isn't that a three hour trip from the bridge?" Xander asked.

"And mostly in vacuum at the moment," Holly agreed.

"Still better than high school," Harmony offered.

"Amen," Xander said.

"Hey!" Willow complained as the two opened the lockers to get out the evac suits.

"You may like school," Xander said, "but me and Harmony rate it somewhere below plucking nostril hair as favorite pass times."

"And considering the growing hostility from certain people lately that's being generous," Harmony said with a frown as she pulled out a black … suit.

"Our space suits are Darth Vader outfits?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"The design was far superior to anything the space corps ever managed," Holly pointed out, "so I downloaded the files from the one you found and convinced the nanites to use it instead."

"Really?"

"Yes, well except from the communications system – it always sounds like you're a carton a day smoker with a head cold."

"Yeah, imagine that," Xander said dryly as he and Harmony started stripping down and donning the suits.

"One for me too Holly," Willow said, a holographic Darth Vader suit forming around her. "I didn't want to feel left out," came James Earl Jones' voice from Willow.

Xander laughed, the sound echoing loudly and evilly.

"Good god that's creepy," Harmony said. "You are so lucky black is always fashionable or I would stay behind, because this makes me sound like a dude."

"Luke, I am your father," Xander answered and the three went back and forth doing various movie quotes as they walked through the airless halls toward the bridge.

**SGC**

"Deep space telemetry is picking up some unusual readings in the asteroid belt," Sam reported as she typed away at the keyboard.

Jack looked faintly shocked as he said, "We actually handle deep space telemetry here? I thought it was all just a cover."

"Partially," Sam admitted, "but we do have and run the equipment as part of our cover, so we do have the data."

"So what's the unusual data?" Jack asked.

"A magnetic anomaly," she replied.

"Translation?"

"A large metallic mass in the asteroid belt," she explained.

"Like a rogue asteroid?" he asked.

"No, that wouldn't be stationary and would have trajectory data to show where it entered from."

"Like something being built?" Daniel suggested.

"That would help explain things," she said softly as she sorted through the data, "any metallic source that entered a 15 mile sphere around the anomaly didn't leave."

"How about non-metallic?" Jack asked.

"We can only read magnetic patterns at this point, we have no visual references for that area."

"Road trip?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Road trip?" Teal'c repeated curiously.

"He means we should take a trip out there and investigate," Daniel explained, "a road trip is usually just a bunch of friends using something as an excuse to spend time together."

"I doubt General Hammond is going to allow us to borrow a ship and go traipsing around the solar system," Sam said.

"Yeah," Danny agreed, "would be nice though."

"SG1," General Hammond called out over the 1MC, "I need you to investigate an in system anomaly. Meet me in conference room 3 in thirty minutes."

"Then again we might get lucky," Jack said.

**0oOo0**

"How long until she's fully operational?" Xander asked, setting his helmet on a chair as he looked around the bridge.

"Depends on how good you are at pool," Holly replied.

"What?" Harmony asked, pausing as she tried to get rid of her helmet hair.

"The placement of the Red Dwarf was optimal for absorbing asteroids with heavy metal deposits, but we're going to need you to nudge several more asteroids into the absorption field to complete the process and due to the number of asteroids in your way they're all going to have to be bank shots," Holly explained.

Xander grinned. "Now that sounds like fun."

Willow looked up from one of the displays she was examining. "Can we get some basic upgrades? I mean, we've got tiny light bulbs where we'd be better off with LEDs and I'm reasonably sure that Earth's current selections of monitors and cameras are superior to some of the ones you have here."

"The cameras and monitors are more robust than the ones used on Earth right now," Holly explained, "I think you're right about the LEDs though. Unfortunately you'll have to have them replaced by hand or scutter since the nanites are already programmed."

"Fifteen miles long and five miles wide," Harmony said, "that's a lot of bulbs."

"More than you could fit in Starbug in one trip," Holly agreed, "I'd suggest we only replace the frequently used ones that tend to blow out."

"That sounds reasonable," Willow said, "but where are we going to get all the parts?"

"We'll have to order them," Harmony said, "the LEDs we can get made specially, if we order in large amounts, but we'll have to use Blue Midget to move the cargo container. Paying for it shouldn't be a problem; there's enough gold and gems floating around out here for us to buy a country."

"We're rich and have a space ship bigger than our home town," Xander said in wonder.

"Yeah!" Harmony said the enormity of it hitting her.

"This … is wow," Willow finally said.

"We'll need to load up on gems and such and we need a way to explain how we got them that doesn't include the words 'outer space'."

"You work on your pool and I'll see if the nanites won't save us a load of gems and precious metals," Holly said.

**Six hours later SGC…**

"There was delay after delay, why the sudden rush now?" Jack complained.

"Because now our readings show it on the move," General Hammond replied, popping up behind him. "Before it was me, figuring a nice quiet mission would be as close as I could come to getting you guys a vacation – now it's an actual emergency."

"Any good news?" Jack asked.

"I'll be in charge," Colonel Maybourne said as he entered the room.

"I said good news," Jack replied flatly. "You'll forgive me for not thinking that you and whatever rogue NID agents you bring with you, will actually be useful on a peaceful mission."

"Rogue?" General Hammond asked.

"Every single mission we've been on involving NID agents has them screwing things up and being declared rogue," Jack said dryly. "Why should I believe this peaceful little mission will be any different?"

"And how are you sure it's peaceful?" Maybourne demanded.

"Well I'm sure it won't be once you attack it," Jack replied, "oh excuse me I mean when one of your NID agents goes rogue and attacks it."

"That's dangerously close to insubordination," Maybourne said.

"Name one mission with NID personnel involved when they didn't screw things up and get declared rogues," Jack challenged.

Maybourne ignored him. "General Hammond, along with SG1 I have a first contact team and we're ready to go when you are."

**Red Dwarf**

"Where are we going to park this and how're we going to keep people from noticing it?" Xander asked as the Red Dwarf's engines slowly came online, massive amounts of energy pouring forth to move the city shaped like a star ship.

"Lagrange points and a cloak," Holly replied.

"We can cloak the Dwarf?" Willow asked in shock.

"When it's sitting still yes," Holly replied, "a cloak doesn't take that much power when you're sitting still."

"Any way we can cloak our suits?" Xander asked.

"It'd be like that Predator movie you watched," Holly said, "and only when in range of a holo-emitter.

"So on ship or while wearing the watch?" Xander asked.

"Basically," Holly agreed.

"So how're we going to keep people from noticing the Red Dwarf as we move into position?" Willow asked.

"We're not," Holly replied, "it'll be like seeing pictures of Superman, everyone will believe its fake."

**0oOo0**

"We have a match," Sam announced.

"Go'auld?" Colonel Maybourne demanded as it was one of the most likely suspects.

"British broadcasting company," she replied, drawing everyone's attention.

"What?"

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Red Dwarf Chapter 5**

"Gotta be fake," Maybourne said.

"Unless the BBC is more technologically advanced than they've let on," Jack agreed.

"It's listed as the Red Dwarf, a ship from a show on the BBC of the same name," Sam said.

"Why is a list of fictional ships even included in the database?" Maybourne demanded.

A thin blonde woman who looked like she didn't get enough sun stepped forward. "There are several possibilities that make including fictional ships a good idea."

Jack noted that like the rest of the team Maybourne had brought her camo was devoid of rank insignia and info, save for her name, Stark.

"Like what?" he asked.

"World is myth, uncontrolled clairvoyance, parallel thought processes ..." she began listing off.

"Hmmmph," Maybourne grumped unimpressed.

"Wormhole Extreme," Stark pointed out before rejoining her group.

0oOo0

"Man, am I glad all the hard work is over," Xander said.

"What hard work?" Willow asked in amused fashion. "All you did was drink beer and use a remote arm and a pool sim to aim rockets to move asteroids around."

"Actually several times I had to get out and give some a push," Xander replied with a grin.

The girls laughed.

"We'll reach lagrange point L1 in seven and a half hours," Holly announced.

"Everything going according to plan?" Xander asked.

"Yes, however the scutters have put in a request for all the old John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart movies you can find, for the theater."

"Is that section pressurized yet?" Willow asked.

"Should be by the time you get back," Holly replied.

"We should probably put in our order before we get there," Xander mused.

"Who do you call to order a lot of old movies, ten thousand LEDs and a fifty gallon drum of curry powder?" Willow asked.

"And porn!" Harmony added.

"Dave used to know a bloke or two," Xander said, "and even though they don't exist here it shouldn't be too hard to find someone similar to get everything for us."

0oOo0

"They're communicating with a telecom satellite, we've tapped the signal," Sam announced as everyone quieted down to listen.

"Brian's Pub," a deep voice with a London accent said, "Brian here."

"Is Mikey there?" a young man's voice asked.

"Haven't seen him around lately, probably got nicked."

"How about Davey then?"

"What you need 'im for?" Brian asked suspiciously.

"Got a load of stuff I need, all above board but I hear he can find some good deals when properly motivated."

"If he had any proper motivation he'd pay off his bar tab!" Brian snorted.

"If you can get me enough beer to stock a bar at wholesale prices I'll pay off his tab myself," the younger voice swore.

"Seriously?" Brian asked, "cause I know a guy."

"Seriously," the young man replied, "got a rich bloke who has this HUGE yacht we're stocking up, so it's all above board. Won his money in a contest, so he doesn't like all that knobby food. Lager and curry all the way."

"Then why use Davey?"

"'Cause we get to drop a 10% surcharge on everything for handling, but the better the quality for the money the better a chance to become his regular supplier. He'll need to stock up once or twice a year."

"And Davey knows how to get things at a decent price without it being too shady," Brian said knowingly.

"Exactly!"

"Sounds simple enough," Brian agreed, "he doesn't have any quirks we gotta know about does he?"

"Payment is either in gold or gems, but it's up front so you can convert it over to cash before you deliver anything."

"How much did he win?" Brian asked, wondering what kind of money it took for someone to start paying people in gold and jewels.

"Enough to make being his go-to-guy a very happy position."

**After a little haggling and the deal was finalized... **

"That was smooth," Harmony said with approval.

"All bars have a couple of folks named Davey and Mikey who can get stuff cheap. We'll need to wear the space suits minus the helmets for a little intimidation and to keep them honest," Xander admitted, "but it'll get us all the supplies we need."

"I don't think geeking out will impress them," Harmony said doubtfully.

"The suits are armored and amplify the wearer's strength," Willow pointed out.

"Now I'm impressed," Harmony said.

0oOo0

"Ideas people!" Maybourne ordered.

If not for the darker hair color Jensen could have passed as Stark's twin. "As a group we're leaning towards aliens building a craft based on the show Red Dwarf, rather than the show being based on information received by someone in England."

"That would fit with the magnetic readings from the asteroid belt," Sam agreed.

"But why would they choose that ship?" Jack asked.

Stark and Jensen disappeared back into the scientific huddle of NID personnel for a minute before returning. "Best guess without further data is that since Red Dwarf is a comedy show it was chosen as the least threatening option."

"It makes a hatak look … tiny," Teal'c pointed out.

"We need more data," Jensen said with a shrug.

"Sam can you pirate me a copy of the series?" Jack asked.

Sam was already typing away. "The first two seasons are available at the local mall while downloading would take 12 to 16 hours."

Maybourne waved down an airman. "I need copies of seasons one and two of Red Dwarf."

"Yes sir!" the airman said sprinting off.

0oOo0

**RING RING! RING RING!**

"What's that?" Xander asked.

"Time for sex!" Harmony replied. "I scheduled it between my mid-morning nap and lunch."

"We can schedule sex?" Willow asked. "I thought it was just kinda spontaneous. Did you know we could schedule sex?" she turned and asked Xander.

Xander shrugged. "I have a zen mental state in regards to sex."

"What's that mean?" Willow asked after a couple of seconds.

"It's always now."

"What is the sound of one hand fapping?" Harmony said stripping. "Who cares, we're behind schedule!"

Holly shifted his attention to Kryten's spare head that the scutters had placed in the med bay. "What's happening?"

Kryten's eyes opened. "The nanites are still working on my body; they seem to feel some upgrades are in order since I have no spare heads or negadrive at this time."

"That would be a good idea," Holly agreed, "the last thing we need is the scutters putting your head back together every week like the world's most explosive jigsaw puzzle."

0oOo0

"So, what's the plan?" Jack asked.

"We can intercept them when they receive supplies in London," Maybourne said.

"Do I need to tell you the number of things that can go wrong with that scenario?" Jack asked.

"Do you have a better suggestion?" Maybourne asked.

"Well, instead of violating another country's sovereign territory and risking exposure of the Stargate Program as well as creating an international incident, I thought we might approach peacefully in orbit."

"I'd rather negotiate from a position of strength," Maybourne said.

"Negotiate for what?" Jack asked. "Right now we need information more than anything, we go in peacefully; we gather information and then we decide what to do."

"I've got the tapes," Sam interrupted them.

"That was quick," Jack said.

"A couple of airmen on base are fans and between the two of them had the entire set in their lockers here," she replied.

"Get everyone to conference room one," Maybourne ordered, "let's see if there is anything useful on the tapes."

0oOo0

"Has anyone seen the Space Cadets at all this week?" Cordelia asked as she entered the library.

Giles looked up from the book he was studying. "It has been rather quiet the last few days hasn't it?"

Angel frowned. "Come to think of it, I haven't had anyone insult me in a while."

"I thought you guys were getting along?" Buffy asked.

"We are, it's a guy thing." Angel replied.

"They exchange minor insults rather like dogs sniffing one another," Giles said, "subject and tone of insult says a lot more than one might expect."

"I wouldn't put it like that!" Angel said with a wince.

"I didn't mean to imply any actual sniffing was involved, just that the information conveyed was both more subtle and expansive than was readily apparent."

"So the three have been missing for the better part of a week and no one has noticed?" Cordelia exclaimed.

"Missing?" Buffy asked, "just because they decided to skip a couple of days of school doesn't mean they're missing. Harmony skipped school for shoe sales before she was turned into a cat and Willow has had to literally drag Xander to school some days."

"I can't believe you guys," Cordelia snorted with disdain. "You know what someone going missing for several days on the Hellmouth means, but you don't even care!"

"Most people yes," Giles agreed, "but those three are hardly defenseless. Willow can't be harmed as she's immaterial, Harmony has speed and reflexes superior to Buffy's and Xander ..."

"Kills easily enough," Buffy said flatly.

"Their Willow doesn't even have to touch anything to make phone calls," Willow added quickly, "if there was any real trouble she'd call."

"Xander kills easily?" Angel asked with surprise.

"Seen Ford around lately?" Buffy asked sourly.

"No, I helped Xander put him on ice – why?" Angel asked confusedly.

"You helped Xander kill Ford?" Buffy exclaimed angrily.

"No, I helped Xander put him on ice," Angel repeated.

"Yeah! You iced him, meaning killed," Willow said sadly.

"No, put on ice as in some word that begins with 'C' so he could be thawed out when he could cure him," the dark haired vampire corrected her.

"Cryogenics isn't advanced enough at this point to do more than preserve corpses," Willow said with a frown.

"Xander has knowledge of advanced technology thanks to Halloween, remember?"

"I thought it was mostly useless because he lacked the tools from the future to make use of it?" Giles asked rhetorically.

Angel shrugged. "He was confident about being able to revive Ford when he could be cured."

"So he didn't kill Ford?" Buffy asked numbly.

"I ..." Willow fell silent.

"You thought dufus became some sort of nut who casually killed people?" Cordelia asked but neither girl responded. "You two are HOPELESS! Now who's going to help me find Xander and Harmony?"

"I'll check with his teachers and see if he has called in an excuse for their absence," Giles offered.

"I'll check Xander's house and see if his parents know where he is," Willow said.

**SGC**

"Other than a growing fondness for the show, I've got nothing," Jack said. "I say we develop a plan and watch the rest while en route."

Maybourne nodded. "We can load up for any response from friendly to hostile and decide our reaction on the way based on their actions."

"You heard the man," Jack called out, "load for bear both grizzly and panda."

"Bear?" Teal'c asked.

Jack shrugged. "Okay maybe not the most PC phrase."

Maybourne chuckled. "Loading for bear refers to making sure you're well-armed. Grizzly of course refers to a tough battle, while panda refers to … let us say a more diplomatic approach."

"Oh..." Daniel and Sam chorused, getting it.

Sam sighed and explained to the jaffa. "Pandas are a near extinct species we've been trying to get to … procreate so loaded for panda would mean we're trying to make friends with the target."

"Indeed," Teal'c said with understanding, "and what should we bring along to encourage panda mating in this situation?"

Everyone paused what they were doing and contemplated that question.

"I can see why you insist on keeping him on your team," Maybourn said to Jack, "any ideas as to what they would like?"

"The food, drink and entertainment requested would be good indicators of what they would find acceptable," Teal'c said reasonably.

"Pop culture and junk food," Jack said nodding.

"And porn," Sam pointed out, blushing bright red as everyone stared at her. "They did order some and defined what they were looking for quite specifically," she said in her own defense.

"All things readily available on base," Teal'c mused with a nod.

"We can reimburse the troops for their snack food and movie collections," Jack agreed.

"We'll have to bring some insurance with us just in case things go wrong," Maybourne said, preparing for Jack to argue with him about it.

"Can I hold the switch?" Jack asked.

Maybourne nodded. "You've been in the position before and know what to do. It's a last resort, but for the sake of the human race we have to be prepared to use it."

"Yes sir," Jack said respectfully; probably the first time he'd ever shown Maybourne respect.

Teal'c looked at Sam the question clear in his eyes.

"A nuclear device or a dead man's switch, so if worst comes to worst we can end the threat so it just costs our lives alone," Sam explained.

"A wise precaution and a great honor that we are trusted to do so," Teal'c said. "Is a nuclear device anything like what the yautja carry?"

"The aliens from the movie?" Daniel asked. "They cloaked themselves; hunt heads, wear armor, about eight feet tall with a plasma cannon on their shoulder, and their suicide bomb leaves a huge crater?"

"That is a good description of them," Teal'c agreed, "but what movie do you speak of?"

0oOo0

"They went camping?" Cordelia hissed in disbelief.

"That is the excuse they used, yes," Giles agreed.

"Xander's parents confirmed it," Willow agreed, "they went camping."

"This I didn't expect," Cordelia admitted, "actually I'm not sure I believe it. Xander I can see camping and Willow going along for the chance to share a sleeping bag with him, but Harmony?"

"You have a point," Buffy said with a frown, "she's not exactly the outdoor type."

"Xander's parents said the three went camping, heck they even mentioned the other me like it was normal," Willow said.

"If they return I'll rip them a new one for making me worry," Cordelia decided.

"Making you worry?" Angel asked.

"Yes! Making me worry," Cordelia agreed firmly, "it's been days since I had a good argument!" she growled and walked out.

"That girl worries me," Giles said cleaning his glasses.

0oOo0

Pick up of supplies went smoothly, with everything packed into huge wooden crates that Xander and Harmony manhandled aboard, stunning the rather large gentlemen who had used forklifts to move them about.

Xander had paid in gold coins with Bob the scutter's head on one side and the Red Dwarf on the other, as the nanites had decided it fit small gold coins well.

Loading up the shuttle and leaving took just over an hour, and that's including the time Xander spent waiting in an Indian restaurant for a to-go order.

"That went a lot easier than I thought it would," Xander said as the Earth fell away behind them.

"Don't jinx us buddy, we're almost home free," Harmony said swatting his arm.

"Aooga Aooga!" Holly said as he appeared on one of the monitors.

"What is it Hol'?" Xander asked.

"We've got another ship out here and it's trying to contact us," Holly reported.

"It's the USS Daedalus," Willow announced, "It's not a space shuttle like the Challenger either. It's an actual space ship and I don't recognize the design."

"Put them on screen, and open hailing frequencies," Xander said after a few seconds of tense silence.

"This is the USS Daedalus, Starbug please respond."

"This is the Starbug, what can I do for you?" Xander asked nervously eying the face of the officer that was on screen.

"We'd like to arrange a peaceful meet and greet," came the reply.

"Guys?" Xander asked looking around the cockpit.

"Peaceful sounds better than the alternative," Holly offered.

"Here or the Dwarf?" Willow asked.

"A bit too cramped to have people aboard the Starbug," Harmony pointed out, "plus I need a shower and a change of wardrobe before I'm up for company."

"Dwarf it is," Xander replied, "Follow us and give us a couple of hours to freshen up, we'll call you when we're ready."

"Aye aye, Daedalus out," the officer replied cutting the signal.

0oOo0

"Thoughts?" Jack asked.

"They don't look exactly like the characters from the show but they sound and respond like them," Daniel offered.

"Cat and Rimmer were both female, which may have been done to make them a more balanced first contact team," Sam suggested.

"That is our opinion as well," Jensen said.

"Threat assessment?" Maybourne asked.

"The technology needed to build the Red Dwarf and its crew are far beyond anyone's capabilities short of the Asgard," Sam said.

"Threat assessment is high," Jack agreed, "we don't know their capabilities, the power backing them or even their intentions."

"You think they created the crew as well?" Maybourne asked, focusing on something Sam said.

"Two of the crew are AI so their creation is not in doubt, of the other two one appears to be a human and the other a feline sapien as seen in the show. I'd say the odds of the crew being created are almost 100%," she explained. 

"Odds are the race behind them isn't human," Daniel added.

"The choice of a comedy show bodes well," Teal'c said, "however until we are certain of their character and intentions caution is the best idea."

"One finger on the button and two crossed," Maybourne instructed Jack who nodded gravely, "everyone freshen up and be on your best behavior; we have a party to attend."

0oOo0

**On a flight to LA**

"We still need a good cover story for why I'm solid," Willow said as she relaxed in first class.

Harmony shrugged. "It's a done deal, so any story will do from a wizard did it, to Xander got a wish."

"I got a wish is the most believable," Xander said, peeling the wrapper off a cherry red crayola.

"So a genie or what?" Willow asked.

"Nah, I made a wish and boom we have no clue otherwise. That way there's nothing to trip us up."

"That's a good plan," Harmony said, snagging half the red crayola out of Xander's hand and scarfing it down.

"Got any blues left?" Willow asked hungrily.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm detecting what appears to be a shielded radiation source on the approaching shuttle," Holly announced.

"Any idea what it is?" Harmony asked.

"A small nuclear device," Holly replied, brow furrowed in concentration. "Well, that or a microwave cooking a hot pocket. I'm still calibrating the new sensors."

"I'm guessing nuke," Willow said.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Holly, ready Holly-Hop drive."

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Incoming message," Sam announced.

Xander's face appeared on screen with Harmony looking over his shoulder. "We detected the nuke, so we're going to fuck off now. Later."

The screen went blank and a moment later the massive spaceship vanished without a trace.

Maybourne sighed. "We knew there was a risk they were advanced enough to see through our shielding. Not all gambles pan out. At least they left peacefully, which was our main goal."

SG1 and the NID members all nodded solemnly, as protecting the Earth was their main goal.

***DING***

"Someone pass me my hot pocket, please," Maybourne said, completely breaking the solemnity of the moment.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"I can't believe you got us hired on as diplomatic couriers," Xander said.

"Easiest way to get us through customs," Willow explained. "Plus we get paid for delivering a handful of papers to the British Embassy."

"I'm surprised they gave us the job," Harmony said.

"It helps that everything was done online," Willow admitted. "Made it easy to put the fix in."

"Hit the British Embassy and then straight to the train station," Xander suggested as the plane touched down.

"We can visit Washington another time," Willow agreed.

"I wanted to see the Mall of America," Harmony pouted.

"Or we could do that," Xander allowed, "but I'm only going if I get to buy a golf cart."

"Golf cart?" the girls chorused.

"Yes, golf cart," he agreed. "We have diplomatic immunity, right?"

"Until the papers are delivered," Willow admitted.

"And they sell golf carts there, right?"

"I haven't checked, but the Mall of America is the largest mall in the world," Willow replied.

"If I can buy a golf cart, I will waive the four hour special event shopping limit," Xander offered.

"Deal!" Harmony agreed.

"Willow?" Xander asked, when she didn't speak up.

"I'm kinda worried about what you'll do with a golf cart that requires diplomatic immunity," Willow admitted.

"They have a plethora of computer and book stores," Harmony pointed out.

"Really?" Willow asked curiously.

"They have everything!" Harmony enthused.

"OK, fine," Willow caved. "Mall first, then embassy, then home."

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

**Red Light - Green Light**

"Holly Hop drive disengaged," Holly announced.

"OK, Holl, where are we?" Xander asked, as he stared out at unfamiliar stars.

"Dunno," Holly replied and would have shrugged if he had shoulders. "Doesn't look familiar."

"I thought the drive was only supposed to hop universes," Xander said.

"Yeah, but the thing about universes is… they drift. Normally, we'd be drifting with them, so you wouldn't notice, but they aren't really nailed in place," Holly explained.

"In the show, the place they ended up was almost exactly like where they came from," Harmony said, recalling that episode.

"I decided on a rather large hop to start," Holly said. "Otherwise, it'd probably end up exactly like what happened the first time."

"I wouldn't mind meeting a reverse gender version of us," Xander said. "Could be fun!"

"Didn't Dave get knocked up?" Willow pointed out.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "but we already know to avoid that situation."

Willow chuckled. "It would be pretty irresponsible."

"Yeah, we got birth control shots yesterday," Harmony agreed.

"I may knock up myself, but it won't be me getting pregnant," Xander said smugly. "Best defense-" Xander said leadingly, bumping fists with Harmony.

"-is a good offense," she completed with a grin.

"Right," Willow said slowly, deciding to drop the subject.

"Long range scanner is picking up a fleet of ships," Holly announced.

"Let's check it out," Willow suggested. "We can hop out if they're hostile, right?"

"The Holly Hop drive has to recharge, but it'll take a couple of days to reach them and match velocities, so that's not a problem," Holly said.

"Days?" Harmony asked, surprised as that didn't quite match up with her memories of the Dwarf.

"While the nanites have improved the engines, they improved the scanners even more," Holly explained. "Plus the fleet is moving away from us, though pretty slowly."

"Anything important we need to know or do?" Xander asked.

"The scutters are doing a bang up job," Holly replied, "but half the decks still need to be pressurized and the nanites need more raw material to finish their work."

"Keep a scanner peopled for any bits and bobs along the way," Xander said. "A little detour is fine. We aren't in that big a rush, not as long as we can bug out with a push of the button."

Kryten entered the bridge pushing a trolley. "Lunch time! I know Mr. Lister was not fond of 'rabbit food' but, in the hopes that you have better dietary habits, I've included both lettuce and tomato for your burger."

"As long as we have ketchup and mustard to go with, I'm fine with it," Xander assured him.

"Excellent!" Kryten said happily. "And for you, Mum, fish and chicken along with a tape of the sound of lions devouring a hippo."

The pair tore into their food with gusto, while Willow watched enviously. Xander noticed and shook his head. "Holly can create a holographic meal and use sense memories from past meals to make it seem real, or you can use the VR simulation with its pre-programmed sense feeds."

"I... didn't think of that," Willow admitted.

"I'm surprised they didn't use it more in the show," Xander said. "It just seems so obvious."

"Lister and Rimmer played a lot of pranks on one another," Holly said. "A few times, Lister scrambled the taste selection and Rimmer liked to play the poor-me-I'm-dead card a lot. It also helped with his self pity."

"Yeah, that sounds like Rimmer," Willow said. "Fortunately, I have a completely different set of mental problems," she said proudly and then frowned.

"We get what you mean," Harmony assured her. "Now go, have some ice cream to help adjust to eating again."

"Oh, good idea!" Willow said before vanishing.

"Get used to eating again?" Xander asked.

"Any excuse for ice cream," Harmony replied.

"Suits," Xander agreed.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

**18 hours later - Captain's Cabin**

"AWOOGA! AWOOGA!" Holly announced loudly, waking them from their sound sleep.

"What is it, Hol?" Xander asked, climbing out of bed while Harmony retreated back into sleep.

"We're approaching the scene of a battle," Holly replied. "There are dozens of destroyed craft and three fading life signs."

"I'll prep the StarBug," Willow said, her hologram switching from bed clothes to uniform and vanishing.

"I'll wake Harmony and get dressed. Have Kryten meet us there with medical supplies," Xander snapped out.

"StarBug has a fully stocked emergency medical bay," Holly told him.

"What? Really?"

"Nanite upgrade," Holly reminded him. "It was planned, but never installed."

"Good, see you on the 'Bug in ten!"

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

**Thirty minutes later...**

"Magnetic grappler locked," Holly announced.

"Reel her in slow, and let's see what we have," Willow said, eyes glued to her monitors.

"Looks a lot like an X-Wing," Xander said, trying not to get his hopes up.

"And just like an X-Wing, it appears the cockpit is only supposed to open in atmosphere," Willow said. "We'll have to take it in the hanger bay to get the pilot out."

"Are the other two the same?" Xander asked.

"I've got what appears to be an escape pod, with a damaged transmitter and another ship that looks like a cross between a manta ray and an oreo cookie."

"How far is the life pod and the other ship?"

"Couple of hours out," Holly replied.

There was a soft thump as a magnetic grappler fired off and Xander glanced down to make sure he hadn't touched anything. "What was that?"

"Snagging nearby wrecks for spare parts," Holly explained.

"They probably don't use the same tech we do," Xander said. "Though we could fix up some of these fighters, they do look fun to fly."

"Erm, I was thinking more of organs," Holly admitted. "Just in case we needed something to fix the survivors up or for a rainy day. I know I kept an eye out for a spare liver or two when Dave was aboard."

"I - I guess that makes sense," Xander said. "A bit ghoulish, but if it helps save lives then I'm for it."

"I'll let the nanites know to repair a couple of fighters rather than breaking them all down for raw materials," Holly promised, changing the subject.

"I thought they were programmed to just recreate the Dwarf according to the new specs, and then self-destruct," Willow offered.

"Yeah, but they're looking for some official side jobs to slow down completion of their main one. They don't seem too enthused with the whole self-destruct idea," Holly explained.

"Can you make changes to the blueprint they're using to recreate the Dwarf?" Willow asked.

"I was given authorization in case there was an error in the prints. They have to be actual improvements, however," Holly allowed. "That's as far as I can stretch it."

"Why didn't we do that for the LEDs?" Harmony asked.

"Didn't think of it," Holly admitted. "Intuitive leaps and re-interpreting orders is something humans are far superior at."

"Also remind them to re-check their work after we stress test it to ensure it was done properly," Xander added.

"Stress test?" Harmony asked.

"You know, life, accidents, and alien attacks," Xander explained. "If we include checking atomic decay, it'll take centuries."

"Transmitting new orders now," Holly said. "You can't hear it, but the nanites are cheering quite loudly."

"After we get back and get this guy in medical, we'll split up. Harmony, you can grab the Blue Midget and get the capsule while I get the other pilot," Xander said. "Holly, you can be in both ships at once, right?"

"Yeah, it's just a bit distracting," Holly admitted.

"Distracting?" Harmony asked.

"I'm always wondering if the other me is having more fun," he replied.

**Typing by: Ordieth and Drifting Thoughts.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Red Dwarf 7**

"Where am I?" the male pilot asked blearily.

"In the medical bay of the Red Dwarf," Kryten said cheerfully. "We recovered you from a damaged fighter that had lost it's distress beacon and whose life support system was almost out of power."

"I feel drugged."

"That would be the drugs, Mr. Jensen, Sir" Kryten said with a smile.

"You drugged me?"

"For surgery," Kryten explained. "There was shrapnel in your chest and you were suffering from oxygen deprivation and frostbite."

"Frostbite?"

"Several toes, your right thumb and two inches of your... um," Kryten paused as he tried to think of a nice euphemism to use.

"Did they have to amputate it?" the man asked nervously. There wasn't nearly enough drugs to keep him calm for this conversation.

"Yes, sir. You will be happy to note, unless it's against your religion, that we found a compatible donor and replaced everything that was cut off."

"Even the two inches of my...?" Jensen trailed off nervously.

"Yes, though Xander insisted we use the full six inches of... tubing that was available to replace the two you were missing. I told him you'd probably be upset you were out of specs, but he assured me it was a human thing and to leave it be," Kryten said.

"So he's four inches over specs now?" the female pilot asked, having awoken while they were talking.

"Yes, Ma'am," Kryten said. "Your injuries were much less serious as you simply needed skin grafts and your left nipple replaced."

"Janice?" Jensen asked.

"Had to eject as I tried to ram a saucer," she replied. "Guess I cut it a bit too close."

"You can say that again," Xander said as he entered the med bay. "We had to run you through decom five times"

"You can't be part of the fleet," she said. "I've never seen any place like this or someone like him." She gestured towards Kryten.

"We're not," Xander replied. "We stumbled across the area you guys fought in while looking for metal rich asteroids and I'm guessing our sensors are a lot better than yours are, because we managed to find several life signs."

"Anyone else survive?" Jensen asked.

"Sorry it was touch and go with the third pilot, but even with his enhanced systems the damage was too great and we couldn't clone enough blood in time to save him," Xander said.

"Enhanced systems?" Janice asked.

"Yes, Ma'am," Kryten said, bringing up a display on a nearby monitor. "He resembled a simulant, but was far closer to human so you wouldn't know it by looking at him."

"Simulant?" she asked.

"Some jerk decided Kryten's type of android were obsolete and created a superior model much closer to human," Xander explained. "Naturally they all went insane and tried to wipe out humanity."

"I have no idea why you humans insist on building things to replace yourselves with and then act surprised when they try to do so," Kryten said.

"Everyone's got to have a hobby," Xander said cheerfully.

"Must have been a cylon infiltrator," Janice said, deciding to ignore everything else they'd said, hoping it was just the drugs causing her to hallucinate.

"Yes they were and you have at least a dozen scattered throughout the fleet and several that the cylons believe have turned on them," Willow said as she appeared in a flash of light. "It took me over a month to break the encryption, but the files I recovered from that cylon infiltrator made for fascinating reading."

"A month?! How long were we out?" Jensen demanded.

"Under two days," Willow assured them. "I tweaked my own run time so I could get everything done faster."

"You shouldn't overclock yourself," Xander told her. "The last thing we need is your program becoming corrupted before we can clone you a new body."

"What are you people?" Janice demanded. "Are any of you human?!"

"Holly, give her more morphine," Willow ordered. "I'm going to go examine the medical data on that cylon." She vanished in a burst of light.

"You guys can't be cylons, you're too weird," Jensen said.

"Thanks," Xander replied. "We've already contacted the fleet, we'll be dropping you guys off in about twelve hours."

Janice snored loudly.

"I think we'll keep her out until then, she seems a bit excitable," Xander said.

"That's probably for the best," the other pilot admitted.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The Shuttle that landed in the docking bay discharged a dozen heavily armed marines, two doctors, and four nurses.

Xander opened his beer and took a sip while they scanned the area for dangers.

"There's a saucer and two vipers, sir," one of the marines reported to his superior.

"We put them together out of the wreckage we found," Xander said as he approached.

"And you are?" the officer in charge, wearing the same unmarked camo as his men, asked.

"Xander Harris, captain of the Red Dwarf," Xander introduced himself

"You guys are at war with a bunch of robots, so I thought it best that you see a human face," Xander explained.

"That's very thoughtful of you, thanks," the officer said. "I'm Lt. Clarkson," the officer introduced himself before introducing the others.

Xander nodded, not bothering to remember any of the names. "My ship has a number of A.I.s and robots onboard, so if you see something strange, ask before you shoot it. Everyone follow me."

"How far is the medical bay, if I may ask?" one of the doctors asked.

"About fifteen minutes," Xander replied.

"Minutes?"

"Approximately fifteen centons," Holly spoke from one of the monitors, appearing and disappearing after he spoke.

"Ship's still under construction Xander replied. "We were scanning for sources of metal we could use in the asteroid belt when we stumbled on the scene of your battle. Speaking of which, we've recovered a dozen bodies from both sides, the humans we put on ice so the organs can be used to save others, unless that's against your religion."

"That's fine," the doctor said. "How do you deal with tissue rejection?"

We've got a pre-programed retro-virus that goes through and modifies the DNA of all the added bits," Xander explained, recalling how Holly had explained it to him. "It lasts twenty four hours and its not safe to use on pregnant women and no having sex while it's active."

"How advanced is your technology?" the doctor asked as they entered the elevator car.

"You guys seem pretty advanced in one or two spots, and severely behind in all the others," Xander said. "I mean you guys still use nuclear fuel rather than fusion, but you are really good at squeezing use out of every drop of energy."

"Would you object to sharing technology?" Lt. Clarkson asked.

"Be glad to," Xander said. "We're interested in the whole hyperspace technology thingie," Xander said while one of the soldiers mouthed 'hyperspace thingie' to another.

"You don't use hyperspace to jump between systems?" Clarkson asked.

"We're stuck with sublight drives for the moment, we use suspended animation for crossing between systems, takes forever. You guys however seem to have a faster way between systems, though in system you are as limited as we are and from the records we recovered from your enemy, you are all limited to jumping from one system to the next closest one."

"Power costs to leapfrog systems are staggering," Clarkson admitted as the elevator car stopped and they exited.

"Staggering for you is probably negligible to us," Xander said. "If you adapt and install a fusion plant on your ship you can leave your enemy far behind. The only problem is keeping the data from leaking to them and I hate to tell you but I got about twenty hyperspace transmission logged from various spots in your fleet."

"Can you prove it?!" Clarkson asked instantly.

"I can give you some advanced scanners so you can catch them," Xander replied.

"What is all this going to cost us?" one of the doctors asked. "You're offering a significant amount of help, so I assume the cost is also going to be significant."

Xander shrugged. "The cost on our end is negligible. It may do a whole lot for you, but it's costing us almost nothing. Plus, what we're getting from you is also helping us out a whole lot. I don't consider this more than basic human decency."

"We appreciate it," Clarkson assured him.

A string of scutters zoomed past carrying cleaning supplies and were quickly tracked by several of the marines, though no one fired.

"Med bay," Xander called out as they reached their destination.

As the door opened they found Kryten Standing next to the pilots' beds, covered in food, with a fork stuck in his head, while Harmony muttered dire things under her breath and stalked back and forth.

"What'd I miss?" Xander asked.

**Typing by Falkun (Don't tell my boss that I did this while at work.)**


End file.
